The annual tradition of lugging mini fridges up 4 flights of stairs has been opened to all student organizations. Instead of wearing Greek letters–a longstanding tradition meant to convince parents that greek life could teach their children to give back to their communities, not just how to rip back a Smirnoff Ice like it’s nobody’s business–students will be required to wear ‘Welcome Crew’ t-shirts, a decision that has the WPI community in a slightly-less-apathetic-than-usual uproar.

Some students have embraced the move. “I think the welcome crew shirts are very fitting and they remind me that being part of Greek life is disgraceful,” mumbled sophomore Sally Flaps, whose parents disowned her last fall after she joined Alpha Sigma Sigma.

“No, no no, the point isn’t to hide Greek Life!” explained a Residential Services staff member as she accidentally elbowed dozens of national Greek Life awards into a trash can. “The point is to bury them within so many other, equally wonderful organizations that you don’t even realize they’re there!” she said, feigning a big smile.

Other students expressed excitement at the prospect of representing the colorful diversity of each WPI club in the same tiny Comic Sans lettering on the back of a t-shirt. “This will be an excellent PR opportunity for my LARPing team,” noted Nole Forest, sweating, as he practiced lifting a lamp out of the back of a Honda Odyssey. “Why can’t we just wear our club shirts though?”

Other community members have expressed conflict over which organization they should represent. “Should we participate as one a cappella group, or members of 4 different sororities??” asked members of the LabNotes in perfect harmony.

“Getting rid of the Greeks during Move-In is just the tip of the iceberg,” whispered Janet Phillips, chair of the ad-hoc Anti-Greek Life committee. “If I ever see another goddamn ‘a-thon’ I’m going to burn down a chapter house,” she snarled as she pet her shaved cat.

At press time, a few brave individuals were seen embroidering hats, jackets, and fanny packs with Greek letters in preparation for the big day. As one offender was dragged away, witnesses reported him holding up a three-finger Hunger Games salute and screaming, “YOU’RE ALWAYS WEARING YOUR LETTERS!”

The familiar flood of “Come to this super niche event held by our super niche club at this super inconvenient time!” rushed back to campus inboxes once again.

“Oh, and our event raises money for childhood rabies! If you don’t come buy our overpriced food you must hate children! :),” read the event listings, as students regained awareness of all the exciting programming they didn’t have time or interest to attend.

While the ignorant masses blamed the 8 month hiatus on the switch to CampusLabs, in the depths of WPI cyberspace, a secret war was waging on.

At approximately 10:21 PM local time, WPI IT Services finally succeeded in creating a hole in the massive wall of spam emails about athletic updates, RBE colloquium speakers, and Frisbee alias unsubscribe requests.

“All that spam gunk forms this barrier with a consistency not unlike concrete,” explained an exhausted, dust covered IT staff member, pickaxe in hand. “Turns out those campus events emails have just been stuck back there this whole time.”

“We were finally able to push one of those suckers through,” grunted another unsung IT hero, delivering a hefty blow to a pesky quarantined message notification. “And we’re not planning to stop until all clubs have an opportunity to let their message out.”

At press time, the weekly events emails were seen slamming into Clutter folders everywhere.

The Towers at WPI‘s brave decision to call themselves “The Better Institute” in this year’s April 1st edition truly inspired us. Thanks to everyone who got us to where we are today!

But up until recently, the statue had never received critical acclaim for its ingenious, “years-before its-time” mastery.

Though Turtleboy has had it’s fair share of critics, the sculpture gained international acclaim in 1969, after being declared the Eighth Wonder of the World–a work of comparable beauty, complexity and historical significance to Stonehenge or the Pyramid of Giza.

FUN FACT: Sculpted in 1912, the bronze statue was initially titled “Desperate Times,” by its sculptor.

Originally scheduled to replace Michelangelo’s statue of David in the Galleria dell’Accademia, Turtleboy is now on track for it’s move to the Louvre later this month, where it will be displayed alongside the Mona Lisa.

“Clearly this artist was brave enough to challenge the social constructs of the time, breaking down the deeply entrenched taboo of turtle-man relationships,” said turtle art historian, Gary Francis, licking his lips. “I mean love is love, I think that’s really the theme here.”

“All these years, we’ve just been blindly reliant on peanut butter cups and Snickers to get our school spirit initiative going,” explained an A9 spokesperson using a robotic voice translator to conceal his or her identity.

“The issue has been right before our eyes this whole time!” said another A9 member, removing her demonic jester mask. “The candy was totally the wrong type!!” she exclaimed, as a small child cowered in a nearby tour group.

“The colorfulness of the Skittles will remind the students of the spirit of the school,” explained another A9 member, half-heartedly pumping his fist in the air, as the group was politely escorted out of the library by Campus Police.

At press time, the group was seen pointing squirt guns at a 7-Eleven cashier and demanding all the Skittles in the store.

Details are currently being hashed out–at this time it is unclear whether the Abercrombie & Fitch will be located next door by the Orange Julius, or on the second floor of the building by the Sunglasses Hut. However, the school assured students that kiosks selling fidget spinners, do-it-yourself spray tans, and pet hermit crabs would be conveniently located adjacent to the Cash for Gold.

At press time, administrators were seen wiping pretzel dog crumbs off their pants before posing for an Instagram pic captioned “#InnovateEverything.”

“Say cheese dip!” said the photographer.

Previous record holder, Greg Smith, set the bar in 2010, by complaining for 172.8 hours, a feat which remained unchallenged for nearly a decade.

Johnson commented on her achievement saying, “I really want to thank my parents for paying for my trip, my friends for giving me someone to complain too, my advisor for being an asshole, and my groupmates for being fucking lazy and incompetent. I couldn’t have done it without you guys!”

Johnson’s tirade included topics such as “spending 25 hours a week in Tech Suites,” “not knowing how to cite a Wikipedia article,” and “advisors that can’t agree on a single goddamn thing.”

After certifying the new record, the Guinness Book of World Records informed The Institute that Johnson simultaneously broke the record for “most friends lost over a two week span of time.”

At press time, Johnson could be heard loudly explaining to her friends how her IQP is going to change the world while her other group members actually worked on the project.

The spirited demonstrators seek to bring attention to all manner of issues, from the perceived inequality between squirrels and chipmunks to the escalating food and housing crisis in trees across campus.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!?” shouted demonstration organizer Alvin Wellington, discreetly removing four acorns from his cheeks while speaking into a tiny megaphone.

“A RELIABLE SOURCE OF FOOD AND SHELTER FOR THE WINTER,” echoed the crowd.

Protests escalated as riot control stepped in, releasing Tic-Tac-sized canisters of tear gas to disperse the ankle-high crowds. Unconfirmed sources have also reported that officers are using frantic arm movements every couple of seconds to scare off the waves of fuzzy protesters.

“Those mother fluffing chipmunks over by the library are living in dog-damn opulence, and we’re over here scrounging for the last peanut in that bag of trail mix that some dude threw out last week,” said Mr. Furrytail, a long-time resident of the WPI Beech Tree.

The Council for Interspecies Cooperation denounced the demonstration, saying that progress would only come through peaceful negotiation over a bowl of sunflower seeds.

As of press time, WPI Administration has offered no statement about the day’s demonstrations, but a campus safety notification was issued, reminding students to be alert, watch where they step, and report any further squirrely activity.

“Liability is really top-of-mind right now at Waiver Polytechnic Institute, so this year we wanted to celebrate that spirit of compliance with an all new event,” said Kathy Bowman, Student Waiver Coordinator. “We’ll have plenty of waivers to sign that will give you access to free Life Savers candy and inflatable obstacle courses–in full bomb-proof safety suits of course!”

WPI’s vibrant campus provides students with over 200 different opportunities to get involved with signing waivers. Whether you’re riding buses to a rush event across the street, or simply running up the stairs in Stratton Hall just a tad too fast, the waiver-ific possibilities are seemingly endless.

“At the end of the day, it’s really about what’s best for the potential plaintiffs––errrrr the student body, heh,” remarked Saul Badman, Chief Attorney.  “We’re just trying to create a safe, enjoyable, and safe college experience for ‘students,’ hereinafter defined in section 2.13b.96xyz of the Student Code of Conduct.”

The SWO would like to remind students of the other annual waiver-filled opportunities at WPI: The Freshman-Sophomore Waiver Pull, The Earl Bridge Waiver Signing, Waivers for Life, and the fan-favorite Waiver-Melon Bash.

“We’re gonna have so many awesome waivers this year, you’re going to say, ‘Please, no more awesome waivers!’ That’s the beauty of our new focus on risk management!” said Badman with a smile. “So what are you waiting for? Get out there and reduce your alma mater’s liability for your stupid actions!”