Foisie’s takeover hasn’t been all negative though. Thanks to him, tech suites automatically lock in students who use them alone, robotics students actually have working robots at the end of the term, and with a lack of makerspace employees willing to work, you can just take the tools you need instead of doing three Canvas quizzes and eight card scans to use a screwdriver for 30 seconds.

While his name may have been redacted from everything WPI-related, he lives on as an artificial neural-network based conscious mind within the walls of the Innovation Studio.

Of course, this goes hand in hand with the annual ‘payroll exodus’. The bursar was awhirl terminating the Workday accounts for temporary workers responsible for making the senior class feel important. These employees are typically employed as actors to feign interest in the MQP presentations given by the soon-to-graduate students. This year however, the workers were remote as students gave presentations virtually. WPI assured the tenured faculty that the actors would still receive the same training as in years past. A thorough course in head nodding and affirmative grunting was conducted over zoom but remained unchanged.

[1] Atwater Kent is reportedly a building for ‘ECE’ majors, although this cannot be corroborated due to a lack of sightings. We can however confirm a lingering smell of burnt capacitors, body odor, and despair near the building.

Effective immediately, the administration has decided to implement a “gulag-style” 1v1 battle for which students have to stay in the townhouses. Similar to the feature of the popular video game, “Call of Duty: Warzone,” those banished to isolation must fight a fellow isolated student to leave the townhouses, with the winner getting to return to their Worcester residency.

Students involved in the Society for Medieval Arts and Sciences, known for their weekly LARPing on the quad, are excited by the policy change, and are reportedly attempting to catch the disease for a chance to test their combat in a real setting. 

“We understand that it’s a risk to send positive cases back to their residences, but we simply don’t have the capacity for all of them,” an administrator who chose to remain anonymous explained. “Our hope is that the injuries they may sustain prevent them from moving around for the next 10 days anyways.” WPI aims to solve the problem of housing space with the 2.4% tuition increase for next semester. 

Introducing Edward 40mask, the new COVID-safe drinking game. Provided that groups still stay 6 feet apart and follow other density protocols, the game is completely COVID proof. Adapting the popular game Edward 40hands, students can now get blacked out in public while still following masking rules.

Originally, the game involved taping a forty to your hand until you finish it. By utilizing the mask to hold up the drink for you, convenience and drinking efficiency increase by 40%. With a few modifications to your everyday mask and a forty, you can now make going in public worth it again.

Research suggests that 9 out of 10 students prefer Edward 40mask to the original game. “It makes it easier to drink faster with the proximity of drink to your mouth.” says advocate, Darren Gast. Next time you plan a get together, consider Edward 40mask as a way to start having fun faster.

The few students against the change are making their voices heard. Luke Walding, a brother at Omega Nu Omega, is strongly against this replacement. “How am I supposed to talk to other people with a drink held against my mouth?” says Walding. In other words, Edward 40mask also has the added benefit of avoiding awkward flirting from a frat brother you don’t know.

The tapestry, which was funded for the nominal sum of 1.6 million, was a hot destination for students missing their formal pictures from years prior. Unfortunately, this publicity ended up being the downfall for the paisley patterned bed sheet. Students were frequently caught posing with a less-than-sober look in their eye without masks and nearby others.

Investigation into the funding proposal revealed that WPI hired local pledges to design and paint the sheet. Gary Borhood, a local ΓΦT pledge, was commissioned due to experience with known works such as “Wine Night Formal.” It is unclear at this time just how many pledges lost their jobs as a result of the piece’s removal.

On occasion, the speaker will play recordings of awkward small talk to the testee. Those students who are worried about the clarity of the recordings can be assured that 15% of the time, the recordings will sound muffled and inaudible, just like the old proctors. The laser vision of the tube-people will also be able to spray hand sanitizer at problematic or slow students, thanks to the addition of repurposed super-soakers. Wait times will be at a record low, because of this new method, or perhaps attributable to most students having already gotten sick.

Some students who are suspicious of the effectiveness of the tube-people, bring up concerns that some testees won’t use the hand sanitizer properly. That is why WPI designed the TechFlex Hand Sanitizer Water Gun®. IMGD testees who are extra smelly can trigger the latex TechFlex sanitizer patrol and will get doused with grade A alcohol that wipes off the filth from the dirtiest WPI students. 

1. Share a swab with that special someone, hope to get quarantined together.
2. Mask up, but don’t mask your feelings for your cute MQP partner.
3. Tell someone you’ve got to take their temperature because they’re looking extra hot today.
4. Laugh at people cross country skiing in Elm Park with a crush.
5. Create a lube that smells like a sweaty gym locker room sure to get any athlete in the mood.
6. Casually trip over-ambitious winter runners to try to impress onlookers.
7. For the CS majors of the crowd, flirt on your Discord server. This is heads over heels better than the traditional grunting heard in the zoo lab.
8. Change your Zoom background to a fume hood for a CHE major, cause you got some chemistry baby.
9. Gifts for IMGD students: perfume/cologne.
10. For all the RBE majors out there, make sure to buy your special friend some motor oil to keep its servos lubricated all night.
11. Tell the one other biochem major that you’re the only option.
12. Explain to that ME crush that you’d like to put some friction equations to the test.
13. Write a complex equation to express yourself to that math major you’ve been losing sleep over. But please, keep it tasteful.
14. Tell your soft-eng group partner the class isn’t the only thing that’s hard.
15. If you’re chasing a business major, get them some coloring books. Make sure to stay nice when they accidentally color outside the lines.
16. Ask that Aero major why they’re so fly
17. Tell the ME major you’d like to concentric mate.
18. Tell the Civil major to stop playing with dirt and get down and dirty.
19. Get some CPR practice in with an EMS wannabe.
20. If you’re in a frat, god help you cause lord knows you’re unable to hold a normal conversation sober.

After striking a deal with the Coors Brewing Company, the pipeline was aptly dubbed the ‘Keystone Light XL’ Pipeline, which will happily provide Keystone Light to mask the metallic taste of the pipe with a flavor that already seems to taste skunked from the factory. While not confirmed, rumors began to swirl early Monday about also plumbing the school steam system boiler with the same supply, due to Keystone Light actually being worth less than water.

It wasn’t all sunshine and roses though, as interviews with fraternity brothers unveiled. When approached for an interview, ΠEE brother Kyle Edgye explained there was “Literally no way for the boys to shotgun the pipeline.” A tragic loss indeed. A local liquor store owner who wished to remain anonymous stated that he was scared about the loss of sales. “It’s an impossible battle. The pipeline is even better at ignoring fakes than we are.”, explained the owner. When this complication and others like it are resolved, we are eager to see the impact the pipeline will have on the local frat scene.

Upon realizing they could not write satire as fucked as reality, the entire Institute staff drank themselves into a coma. However, they have recently awoken, and were asked to comment on the situation. Their response was simple, “Fuck.”

We asked one freshman what they thought about The Institute making a return, “Who the fuck?” he responded.

Unfortunately, the Institute writers did not see their shadow upon waking in their blacked out room with the curtains pulled tightly shut, meaning they will be returning to an intoxicated slumber for at least another 6 months.

Written by Fuck.
Edited by fUcK.
©20Fuck Fuck Inc All Fucks Refucked.

Bad mouth it all you want- the space age- polymer recliners and open floor plan do wonders for the love seat. Spend a 2 hour lecture in Foisie and leave as fresh and breezy as you came in. 

6. Salisbury Labs

In addition to its calming greenhouse roof, Salisbury labs is also home to the WPI humanities & arts program. There is nothing to fear here, no sweating required. 

5. Flupper

One missed step and it’s all over. The sharp 105 degree incline going up the Flupper steps is enough to make even Indiana Jones sweat. Not to mention, if you aren’t careful,  the soft cushy chairs can leave your pants looking like the reflection pool. 

4. Flower (Fuller Lower for you uncultured fucks)

All of the logistical problems of Flupper in a compact, personal package. In Flower you can actually see your Professor’s chest hair. Way too close for comfort. 

3. Olin Hall

Remember that physics class you took here freshman year? Wasn’t that fun? See- you’re sweating now just thinking about it.

2. Atwater Kent 

Quite possibly the most popular hall on campus, AK’s high ranking is the result of a self-selecting sweaty kid pool. Home to the ECE and RBE programs, AK’s course material alone is enough to make you perspire.

1. Stratton Hall

Class on the third floor and no elevator in sight? You might as well have class in a nuclear reactor. That’s on fire. In a volcano. On the sun.