Foisie’s takeover hasn’t been all negative though. Thanks to him, tech suites automatically lock in students who use them alone, robotics students actually have working robots at the end of the term, and with a lack of makerspace employees willing to work, you can just take the tools you need instead of doing three Canvas quizzes and eight card scans to use a screwdriver for 30 seconds.

While his name may have been redacted from everything WPI-related, he lives on as an artificial neural-network based conscious mind within the walls of the Innovation Studio.

Of course, this goes hand in hand with the annual ‘payroll exodus’. The bursar was awhirl terminating the Workday accounts for temporary workers responsible for making the senior class feel important. These employees are typically employed as actors to feign interest in the MQP presentations given by the soon-to-graduate students. This year however, the workers were remote as students gave presentations virtually. WPI assured the tenured faculty that the actors would still receive the same training as in years past. A thorough course in head nodding and affirmative grunting was conducted over zoom but remained unchanged.

[1] Atwater Kent is reportedly a building for ‘ECE’ majors, although this cannot be corroborated due to a lack of sightings. We can however confirm a lingering smell of burnt capacitors, body odor, and despair near the building.

Effective immediately, the administration has decided to implement a “gulag-style” 1v1 battle for which students have to stay in the townhouses. Similar to the feature of the popular video game, “Call of Duty: Warzone,” those banished to isolation must fight a fellow isolated student to leave the townhouses, with the winner getting to return to their Worcester residency.

Students involved in the Society for Medieval Arts and Sciences, known for their weekly LARPing on the quad, are excited by the policy change, and are reportedly attempting to catch the disease for a chance to test their combat in a real setting. 

“We understand that it’s a risk to send positive cases back to their residences, but we simply don’t have the capacity for all of them,” an administrator who chose to remain anonymous explained. “Our hope is that the injuries they may sustain prevent them from moving around for the next 10 days anyways.” WPI aims to solve the problem of housing space with the 2.4% tuition increase for next semester. 

On occasion, the speaker will play recordings of awkward small talk to the testee. Those students who are worried about the clarity of the recordings can be assured that 15% of the time, the recordings will sound muffled and inaudible, just like the old proctors. The laser vision of the tube-people will also be able to spray hand sanitizer at problematic or slow students, thanks to the addition of repurposed super-soakers. Wait times will be at a record low, because of this new method, or perhaps attributable to most students having already gotten sick.

Some students who are suspicious of the effectiveness of the tube-people, bring up concerns that some testees won’t use the hand sanitizer properly. That is why WPI designed the TechFlex Hand Sanitizer Water Gun®. IMGD testees who are extra smelly can trigger the latex TechFlex sanitizer patrol and will get doused with grade A alcohol that wipes off the filth from the dirtiest WPI students. 

After striking a deal with the Coors Brewing Company, the pipeline was aptly dubbed the ‘Keystone Light XL’ Pipeline, which will happily provide Keystone Light to mask the metallic taste of the pipe with a flavor that already seems to taste skunked from the factory. While not confirmed, rumors began to swirl early Monday about also plumbing the school steam system boiler with the same supply, due to Keystone Light actually being worth less than water.

It wasn’t all sunshine and roses though, as interviews with fraternity brothers unveiled. When approached for an interview, ΠEE brother Kyle Edgye explained there was “Literally no way for the boys to shotgun the pipeline.” A tragic loss indeed. A local liquor store owner who wished to remain anonymous stated that he was scared about the loss of sales. “It’s an impossible battle. The pipeline is even better at ignoring fakes than we are.”, explained the owner. When this complication and others like it are resolved, we are eager to see the impact the pipeline will have on the local frat scene.

“Every time I walk into the I&E room, I always see students collaborating on projects or homework. This is unacceptable.” says a WPI administrator, “While we understand this may be frustrating, it was never meant to be an open study space.”

The $49 million, 78,000-square-foot open study space, which opened in 2018, boasted a minimalistic open floor plan in order to foster a collaborative environment for all WPI students. “Foisie’s unique architectural design is ripe for division,” says the administrator, “There’s so much open space to put up walls. It just makes sense.”

Still, WPI students are unconvinced that this segmentation of study space is a good thing, especially with the school’s growing class size. Currently, there are 30 seats in the innovation studio divided among 10 tables, for a student body of 6,642. Closing off the I&E room reduces these numbers to 4 and 1, respectively. 

WPI assuaged these concerns in the press release. “Not only will more seats for studying be available in the makerspace,” stated the press release, “but we will also be installing bandsaws, sanders, and grinders to provide calming white noise.”

“I guess Foisie is gonna be a little… noisy” said a WPI Administrator as he chuckled and twirled his mustache. The press release further described that the room will be repurposed for students with start ups, “It just makes sense to reserve space for them, I mean we love innovation and everything but we’re really hoping they’ll be successful and donate money back to us.”

A particularly baffling section of the statement read, “It is of utmost importance that the I&E room becomes the incubator. Its large windows allow massive amounts of sunlight to enter the room, simulating a mother’s embrace, and provides enough heat for the eggs to develop and hatch.” We here at the Institute aren’t sure if they’re thinking of the right kind of incubator. 

At press time, your roommate and their shitty startup can be seen creating a counter petition to this one, that you should totally sign, here: https://www.change.org/p/worcester-polytechnic-institute-foisie-space-for-students

Details are currently being hashed out–at this time it is unclear whether the Abercrombie & Fitch will be located next door by the Orange Julius, or on the second floor of the building by the Sunglasses Hut. However, the school assured students that kiosks selling fidget spinners, do-it-yourself spray tans, and pet hermit crabs would be conveniently located adjacent to the Cash for Gold.

At press time, administrators were seen wiping pretzel dog crumbs off their pants before posing for an Instagram pic captioned “#InnovateEverything.”

“Say cheese dip!” said the photographer.

“Liability is really top-of-mind right now at Waiver Polytechnic Institute, so this year we wanted to celebrate that spirit of compliance with an all new event,” said Kathy Bowman, Student Waiver Coordinator. “We’ll have plenty of waivers to sign that will give you access to free Life Savers candy and inflatable obstacle courses–in full bomb-proof safety suits of course!”

WPI’s vibrant campus provides students with over 200 different opportunities to get involved with signing waivers. Whether you’re riding buses to a rush event across the street, or simply running up the stairs in Stratton Hall just a tad too fast, the waiver-ific possibilities are seemingly endless.

“At the end of the day, it’s really about what’s best for the potential plaintiffs––errrrr the student body, heh,” remarked Saul Badman, Chief Attorney.  “We’re just trying to create a safe, enjoyable, and safe college experience for ‘students,’ hereinafter defined in section 2.13b.96xyz of the Student Code of Conduct.”

The SWO would like to remind students of the other annual waiver-filled opportunities at WPI: The Freshman-Sophomore Waiver Pull, The Earl Bridge Waiver Signing, Waivers for Life, and the fan-favorite Waiver-Melon Bash.

“We’re gonna have so many awesome waivers this year, you’re going to say, ‘Please, no more awesome waivers!’ That’s the beauty of our new focus on risk management!” said Badman with a smile. “So what are you waiting for? Get out there and reduce your alma mater’s liability for your stupid actions!”

“Recently we’ve banned solo cups, especially red ones, from all fraternities,” a Greek Life Advisor explained earlier this week. “Solo cups lead to more solo cups which could lead to a non-competitive game, which could lead to a game where people want to win, which leads to a competitive game, which leads to there being a winner, which leads to there being a loser, which leads to binge drinking, which leads to death.”

The claim appears to be consistent with external studies as well. The Center for Disease Control released a statement recently, “solo cups = death,” which backs up the administration’s claim.

Surprisingly, despite the effort to protect students’ health, fraternity brothers are raising many intellectual questions about the effects of the policy.

“I feel like banning solo cups isn’t really addressing the issue at hand,” a senior fraternity brother told The Institute. “It just makes it so much more inconvenient to get absolutely fuckin’ sloshed,” he continued as he walked out of The Wedge carrying a stack of DAKA cups.

Another fraternity brother echoed the sentiment. “Completely fuckin’ unwarranted” he agreed as he put the finishing touches on his 8-foot tall phallically shaped statue constructed entirely from the remaining solo cups. “Reagan never would have let this happen.”

With a texture comparable to 400 grit sandpaper, the proposed toilet paper has been met with harsh opposition from the student bodies.

“This is so rough”, said one student of the decision.

“I know these decisions can be a real pain in the ass, but at the end of the day it’s really about what’s best for the budget,” one administrator told The Institute.

The new toilet paper was reportedly engineered by a WPI MQP team, using a robot that splits 1-ply toilet paper with nanometer precision.

“The move to ½-ply should save us over $60,000 per year,” estimated a residential services employee. “That could pay for a full scholarship for a deserving student. Or, better yet, another Tesla for an administrator! Have you seen that new Model 3?”