Foisie’s takeover hasn’t been all negative though. Thanks to him, tech suites automatically lock in students who use them alone, robotics students actually have working robots at the end of the term, and with a lack of makerspace employees willing to work, you can just take the tools you need instead of doing three Canvas quizzes and eight card scans to use a screwdriver for 30 seconds.

While his name may have been redacted from everything WPI-related, he lives on as an artificial neural-network based conscious mind within the walls of the Innovation Studio.

Of course, this goes hand in hand with the annual ‘payroll exodus’. The bursar was awhirl terminating the Workday accounts for temporary workers responsible for making the senior class feel important. These employees are typically employed as actors to feign interest in the MQP presentations given by the soon-to-graduate students. This year however, the workers were remote as students gave presentations virtually. WPI assured the tenured faculty that the actors would still receive the same training as in years past. A thorough course in head nodding and affirmative grunting was conducted over zoom but remained unchanged.

[1] Atwater Kent is reportedly a building for ‘ECE’ majors, although this cannot be corroborated due to a lack of sightings. We can however confirm a lingering smell of burnt capacitors, body odor, and despair near the building.

Effective immediately, the administration has decided to implement a “gulag-style” 1v1 battle for which students have to stay in the townhouses. Similar to the feature of the popular video game, “Call of Duty: Warzone,” those banished to isolation must fight a fellow isolated student to leave the townhouses, with the winner getting to return to their Worcester residency.

Students involved in the Society for Medieval Arts and Sciences, known for their weekly LARPing on the quad, are excited by the policy change, and are reportedly attempting to catch the disease for a chance to test their combat in a real setting. 

“We understand that it’s a risk to send positive cases back to their residences, but we simply don’t have the capacity for all of them,” an administrator who chose to remain anonymous explained. “Our hope is that the injuries they may sustain prevent them from moving around for the next 10 days anyways.” WPI aims to solve the problem of housing space with the 2.4% tuition increase for next semester. 

Introducing Edward 40mask, the new COVID-safe drinking game. Provided that groups still stay 6 feet apart and follow other density protocols, the game is completely COVID proof. Adapting the popular game Edward 40hands, students can now get blacked out in public while still following masking rules.

Originally, the game involved taping a forty to your hand until you finish it. By utilizing the mask to hold up the drink for you, convenience and drinking efficiency increase by 40%. With a few modifications to your everyday mask and a forty, you can now make going in public worth it again.

Research suggests that 9 out of 10 students prefer Edward 40mask to the original game. “It makes it easier to drink faster with the proximity of drink to your mouth.” says advocate, Darren Gast. Next time you plan a get together, consider Edward 40mask as a way to start having fun faster.

The few students against the change are making their voices heard. Luke Walding, a brother at Omega Nu Omega, is strongly against this replacement. “How am I supposed to talk to other people with a drink held against my mouth?” says Walding. In other words, Edward 40mask also has the added benefit of avoiding awkward flirting from a frat brother you don’t know.

The tapestry, which was funded for the nominal sum of 1.6 million, was a hot destination for students missing their formal pictures from years prior. Unfortunately, this publicity ended up being the downfall for the paisley patterned bed sheet. Students were frequently caught posing with a less-than-sober look in their eye without masks and nearby others.

Investigation into the funding proposal revealed that WPI hired local pledges to design and paint the sheet. Gary Borhood, a local ΓΦT pledge, was commissioned due to experience with known works such as “Wine Night Formal.” It is unclear at this time just how many pledges lost their jobs as a result of the piece’s removal.

On occasion, the speaker will play recordings of awkward small talk to the testee. Those students who are worried about the clarity of the recordings can be assured that 15% of the time, the recordings will sound muffled and inaudible, just like the old proctors. The laser vision of the tube-people will also be able to spray hand sanitizer at problematic or slow students, thanks to the addition of repurposed super-soakers. Wait times will be at a record low, because of this new method, or perhaps attributable to most students having already gotten sick.

Some students who are suspicious of the effectiveness of the tube-people, bring up concerns that some testees won’t use the hand sanitizer properly. That is why WPI designed the TechFlex Hand Sanitizer Water Gun®. IMGD testees who are extra smelly can trigger the latex TechFlex sanitizer patrol and will get doused with grade A alcohol that wipes off the filth from the dirtiest WPI students. 

1. Share a swab with that special someone, hope to get quarantined together.
2. Mask up, but don’t mask your feelings for your cute MQP partner.
3. Tell someone you’ve got to take their temperature because they’re looking extra hot today.
4. Laugh at people cross country skiing in Elm Park with a crush.
5. Create a lube that smells like a sweaty gym locker room sure to get any athlete in the mood.
6. Casually trip over-ambitious winter runners to try to impress onlookers.
7. For the CS majors of the crowd, flirt on your Discord server. This is heads over heels better than the traditional grunting heard in the zoo lab.
8. Change your Zoom background to a fume hood for a CHE major, cause you got some chemistry baby.
9. Gifts for IMGD students: perfume/cologne.
10. For all the RBE majors out there, make sure to buy your special friend some motor oil to keep its servos lubricated all night.
11. Tell the one other biochem major that you’re the only option.
12. Explain to that ME crush that you’d like to put some friction equations to the test.
13. Write a complex equation to express yourself to that math major you’ve been losing sleep over. But please, keep it tasteful.
14. Tell your soft-eng group partner the class isn’t the only thing that’s hard.
15. If you’re chasing a business major, get them some coloring books. Make sure to stay nice when they accidentally color outside the lines.
16. Ask that Aero major why they’re so fly
17. Tell the ME major you’d like to concentric mate.
18. Tell the Civil major to stop playing with dirt and get down and dirty.
19. Get some CPR practice in with an EMS wannabe.
20. If you’re in a frat, god help you cause lord knows you’re unable to hold a normal conversation sober.

Bad mouth it all you want- the space age- polymer recliners and open floor plan do wonders for the love seat. Spend a 2 hour lecture in Foisie and leave as fresh and breezy as you came in. 

6. Salisbury Labs

In addition to its calming greenhouse roof, Salisbury labs is also home to the WPI humanities & arts program. There is nothing to fear here, no sweating required. 

5. Flupper

One missed step and it’s all over. The sharp 105 degree incline going up the Flupper steps is enough to make even Indiana Jones sweat. Not to mention, if you aren’t careful,  the soft cushy chairs can leave your pants looking like the reflection pool. 

4. Flower (Fuller Lower for you uncultured fucks)

All of the logistical problems of Flupper in a compact, personal package. In Flower you can actually see your Professor’s chest hair. Way too close for comfort. 

3. Olin Hall

Remember that physics class you took here freshman year? Wasn’t that fun? See- you’re sweating now just thinking about it.

2. Atwater Kent 

Quite possibly the most popular hall on campus, AK’s high ranking is the result of a self-selecting sweaty kid pool. Home to the ECE and RBE programs, AK’s course material alone is enough to make you perspire.

1. Stratton Hall

Class on the third floor and no elevator in sight? You might as well have class in a nuclear reactor. That’s on fire. In a volcano. On the sun.

As the global pandemic has grown, student’s inboxes were recently infected by countless [EXT] Re: CORONAVIRUS emails by WPI administration. Despite speading misinformation and hysteria faster than the disease itself, the school is urging students to keep calm and “fucking chill” before diagnosing themselves. 

One freshman girl had the entirety of Stoddard on lockdown after confusing her hangover for the disease. Another searched hours to find WPI Health Services in order to get tested. Health Services is doing all they can for students impacted by Corona. They are readily equipped with several boxes of saltines, numerous expired condoms, and one bottle of water (to share).

Upon discussing the potential of the disease reaching WPI, Administration has identified a few possible sources that pose a risk to students.  This list includes things such as:

• Drinking from water fountains with red filter light
• That towel the one kid on your floor still hasn’t washed since A term
• Select fraternity’s roof hot tub
• Sorority food fundraiser health code violations
• Almost all of the RBE and IMGD labs
• Splash zone of the DAKA silverware tub

One student was interviewed about the issue: “Highland Liquors is so expensive” says local frat star Jock Strapp, “The TotalWine in Wuhan, China is so much cheaper!” The staff at the Institute believe that Jock Strapp may not actually know what Coronavirus is, as he followed his earlier statements by claiming that he bought a 6 pack of it and that butt chugging lime juice was an acceptable cure.

In addition to creating a plan of action, WPI is also taking this opportunity to monetarily benefit from the disease. As we speak the WPI bookstore is creating state of the art fashion forward superfan surgeon masks. “Keep your eyes and wallets open for the super rare Ultrafan Mask” says WPI spirit rep Richard Shitner.

That said we at the Institute want you all to stay as safe as possible. To protect yourself from coronavirus and stop the spread of germs, follow these simple steps:

• Eat limes
• Don’t step foot in any lab
• Continue to abstain from sexual conduct #AvengersVirginityWar
• But if you absolutely can’t, before engaging in any sexual conduct make sure you use protection…and wear your face mask 

Good luck everyone, protect yourselves, and drink a Corona!

10. “Slide” by Calvin Harris ft. Frank Ocean / Closer – The Chainsmokers /  All Night Longer – Sammy Adams / “Lean On” by Major Lazer / “Sorry” by Justin Bieber

…  etc etc

Don’t kid yourself, these are all the same song. [Song title] by [Artist Name] is the Natty Light of music. The first one was tough to stomach. After 10 of them, they go down like water! Literally perfect for when you can’t hear anything anyway! 

9. Old Town Road (Remix) – Lil Nas X & Billy Ray Cyrus

Where were you when racism was officially ended? Relive that moment over and over again at your favorite fraternity rager. Just make sure that your horses are in the back, your hat is matte black, and that you have the boots to match. Yee. Haw.

8. Low – Flo Rida

The best song for dipping your ass into frat party basement sludge, Low manages to amp up the crowd without fail. If the dance floor wasn’t crowded enough, picture 100 unathletic WPI students trying to do squats at the same time. Sounds like a party to me.

7. Gold Digger – Kanye West

Despite being able to sing only half the song’s lyrics, the woo tech student body continues to eat this shit up weekend after weekend. With an average starting salary of $69,000 in 2017, this song hits close to home for many here at WPI. Thank you Kanye, very cool!

6. Mr. Brightside – The Killers

If the national anthem were written by drunk white people, it would sound like Mr. Brightside by The Killers. Statistically, the most likely time for freshman to be transported is during this song. 

5. Gasolina – Daddy Yankee ft. Glory

Escúchame. Just because you got back from IQP in Ecuador doesn’t mean you’re qualified to sing along to this. Trying to remember lyrics in a language you don’t know just makes you look ēstupido. 

4. Paper Planes – M.I.A.

Cha-ching! The sound effects in this song alone make it an instant classic. The only reason that this one isn’t higher on the list is because we live in Worcester, and those might be real gunshots. Stay safe out there.

3. Any song by Lizzo

Oh that boy who you weren’t dating just broke up with you? Time to grab your girls and show the 70% male population at WPI what women empowerment really looks like. 100% that bitch aimiright ladies!

2. Hey Ya! – OutKast

See http://reductress.com/post/6-desserts-that-are-better-than-sex-but-not-as-good-as-hey-ya-by-outkast/

1. Hey Ya! – OutKast

OutKast does it  yet again! Topping the charts for the second time in the same list, Hey Ya! proves to be a mainstay in both fraternity basements, and our hearts. <3