After striking a deal with the Coors Brewing Company, the pipeline was aptly dubbed the ‘Keystone Light XL’ Pipeline, which will happily provide Keystone Light to mask the metallic taste of the pipe with a flavor that already seems to taste skunked from the factory. While not confirmed, rumors began to swirl early Monday about also plumbing the school steam system boiler with the same supply, due to Keystone Light actually being worth less than water.

It wasn’t all sunshine and roses though, as interviews with fraternity brothers unveiled. When approached for an interview, ΠEE brother Kyle Edgye explained there was “Literally no way for the boys to shotgun the pipeline.” A tragic loss indeed. A local liquor store owner who wished to remain anonymous stated that he was scared about the loss of sales. “It’s an impossible battle. The pipeline is even better at ignoring fakes than we are.”, explained the owner. When this complication and others like it are resolved, we are eager to see the impact the pipeline will have on the local frat scene.

10. “Slide” by Calvin Harris ft. Frank Ocean / Closer – The Chainsmokers /  All Night Longer – Sammy Adams / “Lean On” by Major Lazer / “Sorry” by Justin Bieber

…  etc etc

Don’t kid yourself, these are all the same song. [Song title] by [Artist Name] is the Natty Light of music. The first one was tough to stomach. After 10 of them, they go down like water! Literally perfect for when you can’t hear anything anyway! 

9. Old Town Road (Remix) – Lil Nas X & Billy Ray Cyrus

Where were you when racism was officially ended? Relive that moment over and over again at your favorite fraternity rager. Just make sure that your horses are in the back, your hat is matte black, and that you have the boots to match. Yee. Haw.

8. Low – Flo Rida

The best song for dipping your ass into frat party basement sludge, Low manages to amp up the crowd without fail. If the dance floor wasn’t crowded enough, picture 100 unathletic WPI students trying to do squats at the same time. Sounds like a party to me.

7. Gold Digger – Kanye West

Despite being able to sing only half the song’s lyrics, the woo tech student body continues to eat this shit up weekend after weekend. With an average starting salary of $69,000 in 2017, this song hits close to home for many here at WPI. Thank you Kanye, very cool!

6. Mr. Brightside – The Killers

If the national anthem were written by drunk white people, it would sound like Mr. Brightside by The Killers. Statistically, the most likely time for freshman to be transported is during this song. 

5. Gasolina – Daddy Yankee ft. Glory

Escúchame. Just because you got back from IQP in Ecuador doesn’t mean you’re qualified to sing along to this. Trying to remember lyrics in a language you don’t know just makes you look ēstupido. 

4. Paper Planes – M.I.A.

Cha-ching! The sound effects in this song alone make it an instant classic. The only reason that this one isn’t higher on the list is because we live in Worcester, and those might be real gunshots. Stay safe out there.

3. Any song by Lizzo

Oh that boy who you weren’t dating just broke up with you? Time to grab your girls and show the 70% male population at WPI what women empowerment really looks like. 100% that bitch aimiright ladies!

2. Hey Ya! – OutKast

See http://reductress.com/post/6-desserts-that-are-better-than-sex-but-not-as-good-as-hey-ya-by-outkast/

1. Hey Ya! – OutKast

OutKast does it  yet again! Topping the charts for the second time in the same list, Hey Ya! proves to be a mainstay in both fraternity basements, and our hearts. <3

If you are one of those Greek Life hopefuls then the Institute has just the thing for you. We are offering our recruitment survival kit this week at 44% off to match our new and improved WPI ratio! WOW, thats some big savings right there! Professionals here at The Institute have thoughtfully assembled this kit so that you will be prepared for anything those Rho Gams throw at you. Our kit includes:

1. CamelBak 70oz. Hydration pack: Throughout the night you are guaranteed not to be able to find a single drop of water. So why not bring your own. This CamelBak comes in four flattering colors that will match any and all outfits!
2. NASA Freeze Dried Food: This food can last for years, which is a good thing for you because you will 110% be missing dinner all three nights. Luckily, you won’t be able to taste anything different between this and DAKA.
3. 2 Coats, 5 gloves, and a hat: Little did you know when you were putting on your cute little short sleeved dress that you will be spending quite a long time waiting outside for rounds to start. You will essentially roleplay as the homeless of Worcester for hours at a time. The other girls might be cold, but we have you covered with all the winter gear you may need.
4. Monopoly: Waiting between rounds boring? Break out our fun game of Monopoly to make (and quickly lose) some friends. Luckily the waiting between parties allows you just enough time to finish a game.
5. Kevlar Vest: Death glares can be deadly so gear up with our heavy duty Kevlar Vest. If a girl doesn’t get invited back to her top choice and you did, you’ll be covered. Who said looks couldn’t kill?
6. Lie Detector: This bad boy will be going off like crazy when Rho Gams tell you that girls will be singing a little as you walk in (they will be screaming), or when someone tells you that they aren’t tired at all and “just love talking and getting to know new people”.
7. Tissues: There will be tears. If you haven’t seen them yet, you will soon. Sad tears, happy tears, tears just cause. Remember the Camelbak? Hydrate or diedrate. You’ll thank us for this one later.

Our kit will not only help potential new members find their homes but it will also help sorority women across chapters hold onto their sanity! BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! If you purchase within the next 5 minutes not only will we double your order but we will also add the Sorority Squat Kickstand!

That’s two kits and a Sorority Squat Kickstand for only $19.99!

So buy now, and may the panhellenic odds be in your favor!

• Are you currently affiliated with a fraternity or sorority?
• Are you female?
• How many brothers do you know?
• Have you ever been transported?
• Really though, have you?

REVIEW YOUR OFFER

We will match you with the FratPass credit card that best fits your social profile. If you answered no to question 2, less than 5 to question 3, or yes to questions 4 or 5, your social score makes you ineligible for a FratPass, and you’re SOL. Try again next term, chief.

ACCEPT YOUR OFFER!

The perks you expect from a fraternity, without the responsibility.

• Smart Partying with the 5 Brother Guarantee
• Eco-friendly, paperless drink cards
• First 10 Drinks Free*
• 8% BAC, Always
• Peace of mind with VIP rush hour line skipping
• Extended Warranty Protection for up to one academic term
• CTRL-F list checking technology provides that extra layer of security

Collect points, get rewarded.

Eligible cardholders will have access to FratPass Credit Rewards. Collect points that can be redeemed toward ragers, merchandise, or clout back to your card or into your account!

COMING EARLY 2019

“Yeah, I saw it. He just walked over and picked it up. What a great guy.”, said Greg Gregson a witness to this heroic event.

“He didn’t even think anyone was watching”, said Cindy Smyth as her friends, with looks of adoration on their faces, sighed.

And we’re not talking about your standard Coca Cola can. No no, this was one of those big ass Arizona Iced Tea cans. The selflessness and dedication to service shown today put many to tears. This just goes to show that WPI Greek Life isn’t like others schools, here community service is at the forefront of all of our minds. This act of conscious environmentalism will solidify this local man as a role model for all fraternity men everywhere.

At press time the same local fraternity man was spotted picking up a wayward Dunks cup, several girls were seen fanning themselves, and litterers everywhere quaked in fear.

“It all happened in the blink of an eye.” said a worried onlooker. “One second he was next to his mother and the next he was in a very dangerous place.”

Before anyone could react, a startled 21-year-old, affectionately known by his brothers as McCoy McDoubleshot, rolled off his couch, where he had been sleeping off a nasty hangover, and approached the boy. The confused beast, who weighed in at over 250 pounds, was seen staring down at the child; a mixture of vomit and dip spit trickling from his mouth.

Taking no chances, the Student Life Department stepped in and promptly shut down the fraternity chapter, which has long been classified as endangered, due to habitat destruction and lesser factors including serving to minors. The child, who was clearly alarmed by the terrifying encounter, was quickly rescued, but not before receiving severe emotional scarring.

The incident immediately sparked debate from fraternity rights activists and millennials alike, prompting many critics to ask, “Why was tranquilizing the chapter not an option?” Many users took to Twitter to express their outrage.

While many blame the mother, The Institution stands by their decision, saying the frat guy was acting unpredictably. Scientists believe otherwise.

Dr. Robert Gilmore, who specializes in fraternity behavior and psychology, says that from the video, it doesn’t appear as if the man is acting in a threatening manner but was rather trying to help the child find his way out of the house. “The movements were not at all indicative of a threat but rather a slightly agitated, hungover state –very typical of this species of frat guy.”

Gilmore went onto explain, “This particular creature was a northern frat guy. It is differentiated from its close relative the southern frat guy, mainly by its lack of characteristic American flag Chubbies. It’s very sad. I really don’t think the child was in any danger. This species tends to be more mild-mannered. I mean this isn’t the Stanford swim team we’re talking about.”

“Recently we’ve banned solo cups, especially red ones, from all fraternities,” a Greek Life Advisor explained earlier this week. “Solo cups lead to more solo cups which could lead to a non-competitive game, which could lead to a game where people want to win, which leads to a competitive game, which leads to there being a winner, which leads to there being a loser, which leads to binge drinking, which leads to death.”

The claim appears to be consistent with external studies as well. The Center for Disease Control released a statement recently, “solo cups = death,” which backs up the administration’s claim.

Surprisingly, despite the effort to protect students’ health, fraternity brothers are raising many intellectual questions about the effects of the policy.

“I feel like banning solo cups isn’t really addressing the issue at hand,” a senior fraternity brother told The Institute. “It just makes it so much more inconvenient to get absolutely fuckin’ sloshed,” he continued as he walked out of The Wedge carrying a stack of DAKA cups.

Another fraternity brother echoed the sentiment. “Completely fuckin’ unwarranted” he agreed as he put the finishing touches on his 8-foot tall phallically shaped statue constructed entirely from the remaining solo cups. “Reagan never would have let this happen.”

The Institute caught up with the students to get down to the meat of the issue.

Some outraged vegans are taking to social media to express distaste. “Is this a sick joke? How would it make you feel if an elephant got up on stage and sang a human-themed Alma Mater song? #thatswhatithought,” said Twitter user quinoaqueen48.

“I heard they even have a “Predator” game where you pretend to assassinate other players. How can anyone with a conscience play a game like that during an animal-themed week,” remarked local sophomore Marcus Fesler as he sipped noisily on a kale and chia seed smoothie. “Obviously these people have never seen ‘Food Inc.’”

Other students echoed the sentiment: “How am I supposed to convince others of my moral superiority if I go to a school that condones the use of exotic jungle animals for their entertainment value?”

After demanding to know if anyone consulted the animals themselves, junior Tim Gobble intends to protest the talent show by painting blood on himself and lying still in a giant meat package, this coming Saturday.

According to reports, other students feel that the protesters are going over the top.

“I didn’t even know we had vegans at this school, what the heck do they eat in DAKA?” senior Garret Hemson questioned.

“I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get this week set up,” said Brenda Frietas, a pescetarian and one of the organizers of the week. “We just can’t please everyone. We have bigger fish to fry.”

According to some sources, the Greek Week Committee will be teaming up with P.A.W.S. to implement meat-free zones which will be stocked with almond milk, tofu, and spinach chips for all events moving forward.

This realization surfaced this past Thursday when a sophomore sorority member was overheard making the confession to her mom over the phone. “She’s really nice, but I just don’t think it’s a perfect match,” the sophomore said as she glanced around nervously, making sure no one else was within ear shot. “We just don’t have a ton in common.”

This confession, while relatively understandable to the general population, is absolutely unthinkable in the sorority world. “The last time I heard of a girl who didn’t love her little, she was never heard from again” a junior explained. “I just couldn’t imagine a world where someone didn’t absolutely love their little,” she reiterated as her eyes widened.

Chapter presidents responded to the situation with a barrage of posts on social media. On Facebook they posted: “We as a chapter do not tolerate this kind of behavior. We are prepared to enforce the most severe sanctions possible.” On Instagram, the women started a campaign called “Little Appreciation Day” where they posted an excessive amount of photos of littles and bigs wearing matching outfits in every pose imaginable.

When pestered about the confession, the Panhellenic Advisor exclaimed, “We can only hope that if any other sister out there feels this way, they remain calm, subdue these thoughts, and declare to the world that they love their little more than life. We have an image to uphold.”