Marty McCormick, WPI’s NCAA bowling coach, was kind enough to sit down with us for an interview this week. McCormick first noticed something was off when one of his athletes showed up drinking a smoothie and soon after experienced a fit of roid rage ending with four broken bones, one aggravated stepmom Tracy, and a bowling ball through the window.

While many like McCormick are wary of the smoothies, some are embracing the chance to ‘get big’ while drinking a delicious (though wildly expensive) beverage. One such student Chad Johnson was seen at the Foisie Innovation Studio double fisting a ‘Matcha Libra’ and ‘Java The Nut’. Chad insists, “This year is going to be my biggest yet. I grab an energy smoothie, add 5 cups of protein powder, and I haven’t wanted to skip leg day once this year”.

At press time a line of students was seen waiting for smoothies and punching through walls while student-athletes looked on longingly.

Tune in next week as we investigate the Auntie Anne’s cinnamon sugar pretzel cocaine scandal.

The jug’s presence on campus has grown tremendously in the past academic year, gaining somewhat of a cult following. Experts estimate that Jug Users, referred to collectively as the ‘Jug Club’ or individually as ‘bruh’ make up nearly 7% of WPI’s campus population.

Jug Club members rarely communicate verbally, save the occasional grunt accompanying their efforts at the Recreation Center. But despite the language barrier, The Institute was able to flag down the attention of two Elite Jug Clubbers for exclusive interviews about their favorite water-carrying vessels.

“CONSTANT. HYDRATION.” Jug Club spokesman Chad ‘Frat Daddy’ Toledo exclaimed before we had a chance to ask any question. “Do I have to pee every half hour? Yes. But have my traps ever looked this defined? Hell fucking no, dude.”

When questioned about the inconvenience of the jug, Josh ‘The Glock’ Johnson instinctively defended himself exclaiming “What’s your PR bro?” before calming himself down by punching a locker. Further questions were met with minimal eye contact and the unnecessarily loud dropping of kettlebells.

No further questioning was attempted.

Talent scout Harry Johnson, found just what he was looking for in the basement of Higgins Laboratories. Atlas, a 6’7” humanoid robot and former MQP, is known for his exceptional strength and stunning performance in the 2015 DARPA Robotics Challenge. Johnson stated that he was impressed by Atlas’s ability to stay upright. “He’s the only one that didn’t eat shit in competition. That kind of balance is exactly what it takes to be a rower.”

While the team’s captains expressed excitement about the new recruit’s potential, other rowers are wary. “He’s already broken four erg machines!” one rower exclaimed. “And he’s such a hardo. He won’t even crack open a cold one with the boys!” another added.

“I’m just not sure he’ll fit into the mandatory spandex unisuit” explained the team’s equipment manager. “But if anyone can make it work it’s me,” he finished with a wink.

Others are embracing the new teammate. The team’s coxswain has been working diligently to teach the team binary to “help the new rower feel at home.”

“This is is bull-10101011010, that mother-1010101110111 gets all the special treatment,” reacted top rower Tim Mcswiddle.

When questioned about the NCAA legality of this new addition, an assistant coach responded, “This is 2017, we don’t discriminate based on anyone’s race, gender identity or battery life.”

“I’ve told at least 13 people today to go see a real doctor to treat their skinned knees,” a member of Health Services confirmed yesterday, “It is truly exhausting”

The administration went on to explain their decision, “The students of this school are just not coordinated enough to handle this great technology. It would do them good to return to their studies and forget this whole thing.”

The statistics support the administration’s claim. On average, WPI will accept about 1 athletic person for every 4 unathletic people. This means that only about 20% of the whole campus population could be considered athletic.

“With the odds the way that they are the campus had no choice but to crack down and limit these devices for the safety of everyone. The physics department is doing studies on the leaning motion that propels the child’s toy, and that could take years to truly understand,” a physics professor told The Institute.
Many administrators are urging students to stay indoors for their own safety and if the temptation to move gets really bad to play the Wii, or in extreme cases, Just Dance 4. Campus officials have claimed that WPI will reevaluate this decision and update the campus provided the number of required gym classes is raised to 6 per year.

Photo credit: urbanwheel.co