As the global pandemic has grown, student’s inboxes were recently infected by countless [EXT] Re: CORONAVIRUS emails by WPI administration. Despite speading misinformation and hysteria faster than the disease itself, the school is urging students to keep calm and “fucking chill” before diagnosing themselves. 

One freshman girl had the entirety of Stoddard on lockdown after confusing her hangover for the disease. Another searched hours to find WPI Health Services in order to get tested. Health Services is doing all they can for students impacted by Corona. They are readily equipped with several boxes of saltines, numerous expired condoms, and one bottle of water (to share).

Upon discussing the potential of the disease reaching WPI, Administration has identified a few possible sources that pose a risk to students.  This list includes things such as:

• Drinking from water fountains with red filter light
• That towel the one kid on your floor still hasn’t washed since A term
• Select fraternity’s roof hot tub
• Sorority food fundraiser health code violations
• Almost all of the RBE and IMGD labs
• Splash zone of the DAKA silverware tub

One student was interviewed about the issue: “Highland Liquors is so expensive” says local frat star Jock Strapp, “The TotalWine in Wuhan, China is so much cheaper!” The staff at the Institute believe that Jock Strapp may not actually know what Coronavirus is, as he followed his earlier statements by claiming that he bought a 6 pack of it and that butt chugging lime juice was an acceptable cure.

In addition to creating a plan of action, WPI is also taking this opportunity to monetarily benefit from the disease. As we speak the WPI bookstore is creating state of the art fashion forward superfan surgeon masks. “Keep your eyes and wallets open for the super rare Ultrafan Mask” says WPI spirit rep Richard Shitner.

That said we at the Institute want you all to stay as safe as possible. To protect yourself from coronavirus and stop the spread of germs, follow these simple steps:

• Eat limes
• Don’t step foot in any lab
• Continue to abstain from sexual conduct #AvengersVirginityWar
• But if you absolutely can’t, before engaging in any sexual conduct make sure you use protection…and wear your face mask 

Good luck everyone, protect yourselves, and drink a Corona!

The first of its kind, EC 1001 will be mandatory for students hailing from outside New England. Students already familiar will have the option to test out of the class through the registrar. The testing includes the proper use of ‘wicked,’ ‘bubbler’ and ’pissah’ and a timed walk through 3 feet of artificial snow. A sample course and topic schedule was found on Canvas:

By the looks of it, EC 1001 is here to stay! Beginning in C-term 2020, the course will be offered every A-term thereafter. Early registration starts soon and despite it being a mandatory class there aren’t enough seats for everyone, so jump on it quick! Continue to check in here at The Institute for further class updates.

As high school friends that become English majors complain about their crazy hard homework and schedules, I often find myself daydreaming about what my life would be like at a liberal arts school.

Let’s take a look!

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8am- Wake up, smile, shower, go to class

9am- Sit in English class, everything makes sense!

10am – More class, its basic calculus, oh boy this one’s a toughy

11-1pm – Meetings for all the fun clubs I have time for

1pm- Super excited for lunch today, I not only have time to eat but I am going off campus

1-2pm – Oops took a longer lunch, but that’s ok, I’ll just push back my nap

2-5pm – Naptime, everything is happy, I might not get a job but at least I’m not depressed

5-6pm – Still a little sleepy, might have to grab some Starbucks, but honestly I don’t even need caffeine!

6-7pm – Time for golf practice, some people say it’s hard to play a sport and balance school- but I seem to be doing fine

7-8pm – My friends and I love to watch Master Chef Junior, it’s a weekly thing

8-10pm – These are my busy hours! Need to eat, shower (again), and even write a paragraph for my class on the cultural and societal impact of Post Malone

10-12am – Go to a WPI frat party to meet my future rich spouse, those nerds look so tired

12-1am – Head home and go to bed, I love being well rested

““““““

TLDR: Our schedules are awful but at least we are really stimulating our minds through project based learning. Layer un racoonst! 

https://www.zazzle.com/project_based_partying_shot_shot_glass-256016701249929551

Multiple sources have confirmed that although Schwartz has been her “literal soulmate” (commonly referred to as a roommate) for only 9 months, McDonald publicly refers to her as “my person.”

“I miss her so much, I don’t know how I was even alive before I met her,” the recently declared BME major told The Institute.

To save their friendship from the perils of separation anxiety and prove that they are still #RoomieGoals, McDonald turned to internationally renowned publication, The Odyssey Online –and she is not alone.

From Stodd-Squads to Morgan Hall Fams, many depend on the sophisticated college media outlet to depict just how much their roommates mean to them. By tagging friends in articles such as “10 Things That Happen When your Roommate is Your Best Friend,” McDonald has been able to regurgitate the words of another college student into a post which experts agree retains traces of originality and thoughtfulness.

“I just hope everyone can find a roommate that looks at them the way Audrey looks at me,” sighs McDonald, skimming her way through “9 Signs You and Your Roommate are Actually Dating.”

When contacted by The Institute, Schwartz was unable to comment due to the gaping hole in her life that “only her roommate could fill.”

Featuring 5 breakthrough colors, 3 edgy slogans, and a print job that totally wasn’t done in an Institute editor’s garage, the shirts could potentially be the coolest shirt ever to reach the campus. Due to the chemically unstable nature of the garments, the team estimates that only 25 such examples can exist at any given time, making them approximately 10X as rare as the absurdly coveted UltraFans of the past.

The team plans to enter a public beta phase this weekend, releasing all shirts to the WPI public for absolutely free, and just in time for the holiday rush. Keep an close eye on The Institute Facebook page, for insider info on where you can find yours.

In an attempt to show that we actually care about your opinions, The Institute editors will be taking suggestions for cards below. You’ve played the game, you know the drill:

http://bit.do/cards-against-wpi

Over time, this Great Tech School has grown and taken on some of the best and brightest minds of our era. There is no thought of religious beliefs, ethnicity, or culture when admitting students, as long as they are technically savvy and willing to write fat checks.

Unfortunately, many students have recently been questioning the title ‘Tech Bible.’ The controversy has picked up like wild fire and, although the manual has no significant religious undertones, students have begun protesting its “prejudice and cultural insensitivity.”

“Why are we only showing our school’s history and traditions to followers of Jesus Christ?” an alarmed student asked. “Shouldn’t we tailoring this non-religious book towards people of all beliefs and backgrounds?”

Immediately, the administration recognized the controversy and began taking measures to combat this partiality. “It is time for us to move into the 21st century,” administrators said in a series of official Tweets last week. “The term ‘Bible’ does not sit right with many people. As a result, we have suspended all other campus improvement activities for the foreseeable future and will focus on naming alternative versions of the book so that our community will once again appear welcoming to students of all beliefs. #WPIcares #goats.”

The Institute caught up with some of the individuals on campus who have been marginalized by the book title. “Hmm honestly, I never even thought twice about the name,” said one student. “Yeah, I can’t say I was offended at all, but if it’ll make the rest of campus feel better then I guess I’m all for it,” said another.

The administration has said it will be releasing the WPI Tech Quran within the year. It will then begin work on the WPI Tech Tanakh and On the Origin of Tech, to ensure that followers of Judaism and atheists alike will also feel welcome in the community. “We won’t stop until everyone feels included,” said the administration –clearly a great victory for the WPI community.