“Every time I walk into the I&E room, I always see students collaborating on projects or homework. This is unacceptable.” says a WPI administrator, “While we understand this may be frustrating, it was never meant to be an open study space.”

The $49 million, 78,000-square-foot open study space, which opened in 2018, boasted a minimalistic open floor plan in order to foster a collaborative environment for all WPI students. “Foisie’s unique architectural design is ripe for division,” says the administrator, “There’s so much open space to put up walls. It just makes sense.”

Still, WPI students are unconvinced that this segmentation of study space is a good thing, especially with the school’s growing class size. Currently, there are 30 seats in the innovation studio divided among 10 tables, for a student body of 6,642. Closing off the I&E room reduces these numbers to 4 and 1, respectively. 

WPI assuaged these concerns in the press release. “Not only will more seats for studying be available in the makerspace,” stated the press release, “but we will also be installing bandsaws, sanders, and grinders to provide calming white noise.”

“I guess Foisie is gonna be a little… noisy” said a WPI Administrator as he chuckled and twirled his mustache. The press release further described that the room will be repurposed for students with start ups, “It just makes sense to reserve space for them, I mean we love innovation and everything but we’re really hoping they’ll be successful and donate money back to us.”

A particularly baffling section of the statement read, “It is of utmost importance that the I&E room becomes the incubator. Its large windows allow massive amounts of sunlight to enter the room, simulating a mother’s embrace, and provides enough heat for the eggs to develop and hatch.” We here at the Institute aren’t sure if they’re thinking of the right kind of incubator. 

At press time, your roommate and their shitty startup can be seen creating a counter petition to this one, that you should totally sign, here: https://www.change.org/p/worcester-polytechnic-institute-foisie-space-for-students

At 9:55 AM, the Honda Civic was again spotted in the empty drive through of the local Chick-fil-A, which opened only a few days before. The driver intermittently honked his horn, attempting to get the attention of the waitstaff, who were reportedly at home, enjoying their corporate-mandated “Day of The Lord.”

At 10:03 AM, one student exited the vehicle, and attempted to enter the restaurant through the locked front doors. Shortly after, the student spent several, confused minutes peering through the storefront windows, searching for some sign of life inside.

By 10:15 AM, all four gentlemen were seated on the curb in front of the building, openly weeping. One student, still in denial, began frantically asking Siri “why bad things happen to good people,” while the other three made a beeline for the nearest Popeye’s.

When asked about the incident, the student who was left behind whispered quietly, “All I wanted was some God d*mn nuggies.”

This tragedy strikes deep sorrow throughout the greater WPI community. The Institute hopes to raise awareness about the unfortunate hours of the new restaurant, in order to prevent further heartbreak.