Despite the good news, WPI isn’t without growing pains. As the student body grows larger every year, something else on campus grows too. Here’s some hints- it gets especially long in the mornings, has a slight bend, and you can usually find cream at the end. It can get especially sweaty in the summer, and gets shorter in the cold winter months. 

No, it isn’t administration’s profit boner, you sick fuck. Gross. 

It’s the Dunkin Donuts line.

With more and more students desperate for coffee after long nights of “studying”, regulars can expect the 30 minute wait to now be upwards of 3 hours. Leading experts theorize that the rise in campus population is directly proportional to this increase in wait time, and is also to blame for increasing lines at frat parties, clusterfuckish lecture halls, and the burrito bowl price hike of 2018. 

TA of HU 3304, Lisa Upton, was overheard saying, “This is terrible, I’m gonna have to make awkward small talk in line with that smelly kid from NSO. I literally can’t handle that without my double caramelmacchiatotripleshotgrande.” When asked to repeat her order, Mrs. Upton respectfully declined. 

Chad Johnson, D3 jug clubber, said: “Bro, with a line that long I might have to cop a girly fruity smoothie from Foise instead. At least I can sauce some mass gainer in those, I’m bulking this year.” When asked about his outdated views regarding gender identity and drink content, Mr. Johnson respectfully declined. 

Peter Launchester, frequent Dunkin customer and IMGD/RBE double major, had this to say- “I don’t think the line is that bad, actually. WPI kids are so impatient and afraid of change. Plus, maybe I’ll work up the courage to talk to that cute girl Lisa from NSO!” Damn. We hope that works out for you, Peter. 

The controversy surrounding #Linegate has forced WPI’s hand. As a reactionary measure, WPI is offering a new course: HU 3304: Making Your Dunkin Order Sound Like One Big Word. “Students from WPI come from all across the globe,” says Academic Administrator Richard Schwacker, “Dunkin ordering is a skill exclusive to the American Northeast and is a life skill that all students need, regardless of hometown or background.”  Schwacker was met with a standing ovation.

Thankfully, Lisa, Chad, and Peter got their Dunkin’ orders 55 minutes after their respective interviews, making them 45 minutes late to class. 

At press time, students were seen standing in line all the way out the service exit while administration accepts 4000 more freshmen, and I was seen picking up my Dunkin On The Go order.

Ah, the distinct taste of a dunks iced coffee before your 8 AM. It seems to be a prerequisite for early classes, with some students opting to come 10 minutes late with their cold signature drink, explaining how the traffic was horrible today (Nathan, we know you live in Faraday.) And while the machine like service at WPI’s dunks has been studied by the ME department for optimization details, the lines are growing ever longer. The RMV like ticket queue worked well with this past year’s growing numbers, but even more students are expected to flock to the campus next year. A new solution was needed, and a partnership deal with facilities looked like a promising fix to the caffeine shortage.

The idea came during the water line mishaps last year, where campus was struck with murky brown water stemming from a city line break. “That was when the light bulb ticked on” explained Facilities Employee Manuel Leighbor.

Construction beginning last year added the needed plumbing, flowing freshly brewed coffee from partner stores in the Worcester area to the campus center. Now, the final part of the project is complete, with construction crews fitting the fountain to the coffee line over summer break. This comes at a price of course, as WPI adds 2.5% to this year’s tuition to ensure students stay caffeinated on the way to their dreaded labs. And it’ll be tailored to the students, with question #942 on the student survey revealing students favored 3 cream, 3 sugar in their brewed beverage

Not everyone is ready for the change though, with an unexpected protest circling the fountain Saturday morning. Upon closer inspection, all protesters appeared to be Crimson Key tour guides donning their familiar red tags. “What can we talk about now?” exclaimed Cynthia, a rising junior. “This makes our signature line useless,” referencing the canned joke about “The Tech’s dunks being the fastest in the east coast.” As the fountain is turned to full power, tour guides also grumbled about the fountain wind protection being removed as a talking point as well. While the efforts of the protest seem to be noticed, it is unclear as of yet what will come of it.