Foisie’s takeover hasn’t been all negative though. Thanks to him, tech suites automatically lock in students who use them alone, robotics students actually have working robots at the end of the term, and with a lack of makerspace employees willing to work, you can just take the tools you need instead of doing three Canvas quizzes and eight card scans to use a screwdriver for 30 seconds.

While his name may have been redacted from everything WPI-related, he lives on as an artificial neural-network based conscious mind within the walls of the Innovation Studio.

“Every time I walk into the I&E room, I always see students collaborating on projects or homework. This is unacceptable.” says a WPI administrator, “While we understand this may be frustrating, it was never meant to be an open study space.”

The $49 million, 78,000-square-foot open study space, which opened in 2018, boasted a minimalistic open floor plan in order to foster a collaborative environment for all WPI students. “Foisie’s unique architectural design is ripe for division,” says the administrator, “There’s so much open space to put up walls. It just makes sense.”

Still, WPI students are unconvinced that this segmentation of study space is a good thing, especially with the school’s growing class size. Currently, there are 30 seats in the innovation studio divided among 10 tables, for a student body of 6,642. Closing off the I&E room reduces these numbers to 4 and 1, respectively. 

WPI assuaged these concerns in the press release. “Not only will more seats for studying be available in the makerspace,” stated the press release, “but we will also be installing bandsaws, sanders, and grinders to provide calming white noise.”

“I guess Foisie is gonna be a little… noisy” said a WPI Administrator as he chuckled and twirled his mustache. The press release further described that the room will be repurposed for students with start ups, “It just makes sense to reserve space for them, I mean we love innovation and everything but we’re really hoping they’ll be successful and donate money back to us.”

A particularly baffling section of the statement read, “It is of utmost importance that the I&E room becomes the incubator. Its large windows allow massive amounts of sunlight to enter the room, simulating a mother’s embrace, and provides enough heat for the eggs to develop and hatch.” We here at the Institute aren’t sure if they’re thinking of the right kind of incubator. 

At press time, your roommate and their shitty startup can be seen creating a counter petition to this one, that you should totally sign, here: https://www.change.org/p/worcester-polytechnic-institute-foisie-space-for-students

Marty McCormick, WPI’s NCAA bowling coach, was kind enough to sit down with us for an interview this week. McCormick first noticed something was off when one of his athletes showed up drinking a smoothie and soon after experienced a fit of roid rage ending with four broken bones, one aggravated stepmom Tracy, and a bowling ball through the window.

While many like McCormick are wary of the smoothies, some are embracing the chance to ‘get big’ while drinking a delicious (though wildly expensive) beverage. One such student Chad Johnson was seen at the Foisie Innovation Studio double fisting a ‘Matcha Libra’ and ‘Java The Nut’. Chad insists, “This year is going to be my biggest yet. I grab an energy smoothie, add 5 cups of protein powder, and I haven’t wanted to skip leg day once this year”.

At press time a line of students was seen waiting for smoothies and punching through walls while student-athletes looked on longingly.

Tune in next week as we investigate the Auntie Anne’s cinnamon sugar pretzel cocaine scandal.