As the global pandemic has grown, student’s inboxes were recently infected by countless [EXT] Re: CORONAVIRUS emails by WPI administration. Despite speading misinformation and hysteria faster than the disease itself, the school is urging students to keep calm and “fucking chill” before diagnosing themselves. 

One freshman girl had the entirety of Stoddard on lockdown after confusing her hangover for the disease. Another searched hours to find WPI Health Services in order to get tested. Health Services is doing all they can for students impacted by Corona. They are readily equipped with several boxes of saltines, numerous expired condoms, and one bottle of water (to share).

Upon discussing the potential of the disease reaching WPI, Administration has identified a few possible sources that pose a risk to students.  This list includes things such as:

• Drinking from water fountains with red filter light
• That towel the one kid on your floor still hasn’t washed since A term
• Select fraternity’s roof hot tub
• Sorority food fundraiser health code violations
• Almost all of the RBE and IMGD labs
• Splash zone of the DAKA silverware tub

One student was interviewed about the issue: “Highland Liquors is so expensive” says local frat star Jock Strapp, “The TotalWine in Wuhan, China is so much cheaper!” The staff at the Institute believe that Jock Strapp may not actually know what Coronavirus is, as he followed his earlier statements by claiming that he bought a 6 pack of it and that butt chugging lime juice was an acceptable cure.

In addition to creating a plan of action, WPI is also taking this opportunity to monetarily benefit from the disease. As we speak the WPI bookstore is creating state of the art fashion forward superfan surgeon masks. “Keep your eyes and wallets open for the super rare Ultrafan Mask” says WPI spirit rep Richard Shitner.

That said we at the Institute want you all to stay as safe as possible. To protect yourself from coronavirus and stop the spread of germs, follow these simple steps:

• Eat limes
• Don’t step foot in any lab
• Continue to abstain from sexual conduct #AvengersVirginityWar
• But if you absolutely can’t, before engaging in any sexual conduct make sure you use protection…and wear your face mask 

Good luck everyone, protect yourselves, and drink a Corona!