Upon realizing they could not write satire as fucked as reality, the entire Institute staff drank themselves into a coma. However, they have recently awoken, and were asked to comment on the situation. Their response was simple, “Fuck.”

We asked one freshman what they thought about The Institute making a return, “Who the fuck?” he responded.

Unfortunately, the Institute writers did not see their shadow upon waking in their blacked out room with the curtains pulled tightly shut, meaning they will be returning to an intoxicated slumber for at least another 6 months.

Written by Fuck.
Edited by fUcK.
©20Fuck Fuck Inc All Fucks Refucked.

Bad mouth it all you want- the space age- polymer recliners and open floor plan do wonders for the love seat. Spend a 2 hour lecture in Foisie and leave as fresh and breezy as you came in. 

6. Salisbury Labs

In addition to its calming greenhouse roof, Salisbury labs is also home to the WPI humanities & arts program. There is nothing to fear here, no sweating required. 

5. Flupper

One missed step and it’s all over. The sharp 105 degree incline going up the Flupper steps is enough to make even Indiana Jones sweat. Not to mention, if you aren’t careful,  the soft cushy chairs can leave your pants looking like the reflection pool. 

4. Flower (Fuller Lower for you uncultured fucks)

All of the logistical problems of Flupper in a compact, personal package. In Flower you can actually see your Professor’s chest hair. Way too close for comfort. 

3. Olin Hall

Remember that physics class you took here freshman year? Wasn’t that fun? See- you’re sweating now just thinking about it.

2. Atwater Kent 

Quite possibly the most popular hall on campus, AK’s high ranking is the result of a self-selecting sweaty kid pool. Home to the ECE and RBE programs, AK’s course material alone is enough to make you perspire.

1. Stratton Hall

Class on the third floor and no elevator in sight? You might as well have class in a nuclear reactor. That’s on fire. In a volcano. On the sun.

As the global pandemic has grown, student’s inboxes were recently infected by countless [EXT] Re: CORONAVIRUS emails by WPI administration. Despite speading misinformation and hysteria faster than the disease itself, the school is urging students to keep calm and “fucking chill” before diagnosing themselves. 

One freshman girl had the entirety of Stoddard on lockdown after confusing her hangover for the disease. Another searched hours to find WPI Health Services in order to get tested. Health Services is doing all they can for students impacted by Corona. They are readily equipped with several boxes of saltines, numerous expired condoms, and one bottle of water (to share).

Upon discussing the potential of the disease reaching WPI, Administration has identified a few possible sources that pose a risk to students.  This list includes things such as:

• Drinking from water fountains with red filter light
• That towel the one kid on your floor still hasn’t washed since A term
• Select fraternity’s roof hot tub
• Sorority food fundraiser health code violations
• Almost all of the RBE and IMGD labs
• Splash zone of the DAKA silverware tub

One student was interviewed about the issue: “Highland Liquors is so expensive” says local frat star Jock Strapp, “The TotalWine in Wuhan, China is so much cheaper!” The staff at the Institute believe that Jock Strapp may not actually know what Coronavirus is, as he followed his earlier statements by claiming that he bought a 6 pack of it and that butt chugging lime juice was an acceptable cure.

In addition to creating a plan of action, WPI is also taking this opportunity to monetarily benefit from the disease. As we speak the WPI bookstore is creating state of the art fashion forward superfan surgeon masks. “Keep your eyes and wallets open for the super rare Ultrafan Mask” says WPI spirit rep Richard Shitner.

That said we at the Institute want you all to stay as safe as possible. To protect yourself from coronavirus and stop the spread of germs, follow these simple steps:

• Eat limes
• Don’t step foot in any lab
• Continue to abstain from sexual conduct #AvengersVirginityWar
• But if you absolutely can’t, before engaging in any sexual conduct make sure you use protection…and wear your face mask 

Good luck everyone, protect yourselves, and drink a Corona!

10. “Slide” by Calvin Harris ft. Frank Ocean / Closer – The Chainsmokers /  All Night Longer – Sammy Adams / “Lean On” by Major Lazer / “Sorry” by Justin Bieber

…  etc etc

Don’t kid yourself, these are all the same song. [Song title] by [Artist Name] is the Natty Light of music. The first one was tough to stomach. After 10 of them, they go down like water! Literally perfect for when you can’t hear anything anyway! 

9. Old Town Road (Remix) – Lil Nas X & Billy Ray Cyrus

Where were you when racism was officially ended? Relive that moment over and over again at your favorite fraternity rager. Just make sure that your horses are in the back, your hat is matte black, and that you have the boots to match. Yee. Haw.

8. Low – Flo Rida

The best song for dipping your ass into frat party basement sludge, Low manages to amp up the crowd without fail. If the dance floor wasn’t crowded enough, picture 100 unathletic WPI students trying to do squats at the same time. Sounds like a party to me.

7. Gold Digger – Kanye West

Despite being able to sing only half the song’s lyrics, the woo tech student body continues to eat this shit up weekend after weekend. With an average starting salary of $69,000 in 2017, this song hits close to home for many here at WPI. Thank you Kanye, very cool!

6. Mr. Brightside – The Killers

If the national anthem were written by drunk white people, it would sound like Mr. Brightside by The Killers. Statistically, the most likely time for freshman to be transported is during this song. 

5. Gasolina – Daddy Yankee ft. Glory

Escúchame. Just because you got back from IQP in Ecuador doesn’t mean you’re qualified to sing along to this. Trying to remember lyrics in a language you don’t know just makes you look ēstupido. 

4. Paper Planes – M.I.A.

Cha-ching! The sound effects in this song alone make it an instant classic. The only reason that this one isn’t higher on the list is because we live in Worcester, and those might be real gunshots. Stay safe out there.

3. Any song by Lizzo

Oh that boy who you weren’t dating just broke up with you? Time to grab your girls and show the 70% male population at WPI what women empowerment really looks like. 100% that bitch aimiright ladies!

2. Hey Ya! – OutKast

See http://reductress.com/post/6-desserts-that-are-better-than-sex-but-not-as-good-as-hey-ya-by-outkast/

1. Hey Ya! – OutKast

OutKast does it  yet again! Topping the charts for the second time in the same list, Hey Ya! proves to be a mainstay in both fraternity basements, and our hearts. <3

If you are one of those Greek Life hopefuls then the Institute has just the thing for you. We are offering our recruitment survival kit this week at 44% off to match our new and improved WPI ratio! WOW, thats some big savings right there! Professionals here at The Institute have thoughtfully assembled this kit so that you will be prepared for anything those Rho Gams throw at you. Our kit includes:

1. CamelBak 70oz. Hydration pack: Throughout the night you are guaranteed not to be able to find a single drop of water. So why not bring your own. This CamelBak comes in four flattering colors that will match any and all outfits!
2. NASA Freeze Dried Food: This food can last for years, which is a good thing for you because you will 110% be missing dinner all three nights. Luckily, you won’t be able to taste anything different between this and DAKA.
3. 2 Coats, 5 gloves, and a hat: Little did you know when you were putting on your cute little short sleeved dress that you will be spending quite a long time waiting outside for rounds to start. You will essentially roleplay as the homeless of Worcester for hours at a time. The other girls might be cold, but we have you covered with all the winter gear you may need.
4. Monopoly: Waiting between rounds boring? Break out our fun game of Monopoly to make (and quickly lose) some friends. Luckily the waiting between parties allows you just enough time to finish a game.
5. Kevlar Vest: Death glares can be deadly so gear up with our heavy duty Kevlar Vest. If a girl doesn’t get invited back to her top choice and you did, you’ll be covered. Who said looks couldn’t kill?
6. Lie Detector: This bad boy will be going off like crazy when Rho Gams tell you that girls will be singing a little as you walk in (they will be screaming), or when someone tells you that they aren’t tired at all and “just love talking and getting to know new people”.
7. Tissues: There will be tears. If you haven’t seen them yet, you will soon. Sad tears, happy tears, tears just cause. Remember the Camelbak? Hydrate or diedrate. You’ll thank us for this one later.

Our kit will not only help potential new members find their homes but it will also help sorority women across chapters hold onto their sanity! BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! If you purchase within the next 5 minutes not only will we double your order but we will also add the Sorority Squat Kickstand!

That’s two kits and a Sorority Squat Kickstand for only $19.99!

So buy now, and may the panhellenic odds be in your favor!

However, recent allegations about career fair attendee Moogle have sparked outrage and confusion amongst the WPI community. “Yeah, I got a promising email from a software dev company,” says senior Gary Phelgman, “… but in the follow up they said it was them, not me.” 

The Boston-based tech startup has reportedly been “totally ghosting” students across campus. “Moogle scheduled an interview with me” stated junior Becca Cabble, “and then stood me up! They said they were ‘seeing other prospects.’” 

As a result, some students have started to grow tired and cynical with the job search. One had this to say: “I was a ‘great fit’ for the position and they couldn’t wait to ‘take me back to their office’. Bull. Shit. I bet they use that line on everyone.” At press time, Moogle spam emails have continued to carpet-bomb student’s inboxes with false hope and deceit. Students have accused the company of “interviewing around” , “two-timing”,  and of being, “afraid of commencement”.

Others say that the company has unrealistic standards. Students cite company requirements to have 6 years of experience, 6 personal references, and to have a GPA over 3’8” as “just not possible” for the average recent college grad. “Resume size shouldn’t matter,” says Phelgman, “It’s how you use what you have that counts.”

Moogle has since released an official statement to quell the student backlash: “We really are just waiting for the right person. Until then, we’re not sure if we’re even looking for anything long-term. It’s just the first interview- we don’t owe you jobs or anything”.

Despite being affectionately dubbed, “The Shittiest Company on Earth,” by the rejects, Moogle still receives hundreds of desperate applications. We can only hope that one day Moogle will swipe right on its Computer Sci-ince Charming. Until then, unlike the resume in your reply, don’t get too attached.

Passionate botanist Meghan, who was volunteering at the event, told the Institute, “Honestly I was really excited to talk to people about growing plants, I definitely wasn’t expecting people to show up after blowing pants. Another student continued by saying, “There’s a yearning to connect with the earth, going in and seeing green things makes you feel better on a primal level.” Sources at the event though say three underclassmen worrying about their ‘fertile soil” were overheard demanding free condoms.

“I told him to wrap his twig and berries”, said one confused attendee, “… but I got stuck in his penis fly trap.” Later, the attendee frantically searched for ways to prevent the fruit of the womb, but in all the wrong places. “Orchids? I thought you said ‘or-kid!”

Meghan added to her previous statements, “I feel like we need to get to the root of the problem here. The title really does plant seeds of doubt in the minds of students, but the pun is so clever that we aren’t changing it. Kids who roll in asking for free shit have to make like a tree and leaf.”

Like many of the plants in Plant Parenthood, birth control has a stigma. So don’t be a pansy and figure it out, grow up, and wrap it before you sap it.

If you’d like to become a proud parent: https://www.wpi.edu/news/plant-parent

But in case you do encounter a wayward nut and parenthood isn’t for you:

Planned Parenthood 470 Pleasant St, Worcester, MA 01609

• Are you currently affiliated with a fraternity or sorority?
• Are you female?
• How many brothers do you know?
• Have you ever been transported?
• Really though, have you?

REVIEW YOUR OFFER

We will match you with the FratPass credit card that best fits your social profile. If you answered no to question 2, less than 5 to question 3, or yes to questions 4 or 5, your social score makes you ineligible for a FratPass, and you’re SOL. Try again next term, chief.

ACCEPT YOUR OFFER!

The perks you expect from a fraternity, without the responsibility.

• Smart Partying with the 5 Brother Guarantee
• Eco-friendly, paperless drink cards
• First 10 Drinks Free*
• 8% BAC, Always
• Peace of mind with VIP rush hour line skipping
• Extended Warranty Protection for up to one academic term
• CTRL-F list checking technology provides that extra layer of security

Collect points, get rewarded.

Eligible cardholders will have access to FratPass Credit Rewards. Collect points that can be redeemed toward ragers, merchandise, or clout back to your card or into your account!

COMING EARLY 2019

“Yeah, I saw it. He just walked over and picked it up. What a great guy.”, said Greg Gregson a witness to this heroic event.

“He didn’t even think anyone was watching”, said Cindy Smyth as her friends, with looks of adoration on their faces, sighed.

And we’re not talking about your standard Coca Cola can. No no, this was one of those big ass Arizona Iced Tea cans. The selflessness and dedication to service shown today put many to tears. This just goes to show that WPI Greek Life isn’t like others schools, here community service is at the forefront of all of our minds. This act of conscious environmentalism will solidify this local man as a role model for all fraternity men everywhere.

At press time the same local fraternity man was spotted picking up a wayward Dunks cup, several girls were seen fanning themselves, and litterers everywhere quaked in fear.

1. The WPI Entrance Sign- Not only does this sign have great light, nothing screams WPI like taking a picture where Institute meets West. Post this baby on Facebook, your relatives will be so proud!

2. The Fishbowl Tech Suite- For all you exhibitionists out there, take some great pics while also giving the first floor of the library a bit of a show. After the dull day that they’ve had, the librarians will thank you.

3. Higgins House- After seeing all the great wedding photoshoots that have happened here, it’s no question that this is the place for all you classy nude folk

4. The CDC- Looking for a new LinkedIn photo? Nothing screams professionalism like a nude photo shoot in front of this building!

5. Admissions- Welcome future engineers to GoatNation by showing off all that WPI has to offer!

6. The Rec Center – The dance studios boast natural light, a great view of the WPI quad, and exercise mats that haven’t been cleaned for years – basically, all you can ask for.

7. The Seal – Run for your life after taking a daring selfie.

8. The Fountain – Can’t you picture it? The sun gleaming, the water glistening on your nude body! #nut

9. Auntie Anne’s – Take some pics, show off that pretzel dog!

10. Gompei- This one is self-explanatory, there is no better place than astride our honored mascot.