Ah, the distinct taste of a dunks iced coffee before your 8 AM. It seems to be a prerequisite for early classes, with some students opting to come 10 minutes late with their cold signature drink, explaining how the traffic was horrible today (Nathan, we know you live in Faraday.) And while the machine like service at WPI’s dunks has been studied by the ME department for optimization details, the lines are growing ever longer. The RMV like ticket queue worked well with this past year’s growing numbers, but even more students are expected to flock to the campus next year. A new solution was needed, and a partnership deal with facilities looked like a promising fix to the caffeine shortage.

The idea came during the water line mishaps last year, where campus was struck with murky brown water stemming from a city line break. “That was when the light bulb ticked on” explained Facilities Employee Manuel Leighbor.

Construction beginning last year added the needed plumbing, flowing freshly brewed coffee from partner stores in the Worcester area to the campus center. Now, the final part of the project is complete, with construction crews fitting the fountain to the coffee line over summer break. This comes at a price of course, as WPI adds 2.5% to this year’s tuition to ensure students stay caffeinated on the way to their dreaded labs. And it’ll be tailored to the students, with question #942 on the student survey revealing students favored 3 cream, 3 sugar in their brewed beverage

Not everyone is ready for the change though, with an unexpected protest circling the fountain Saturday morning. Upon closer inspection, all protesters appeared to be Crimson Key tour guides donning their familiar red tags. “What can we talk about now?” exclaimed Cynthia, a rising junior. “This makes our signature line useless,” referencing the canned joke about “The Tech’s dunks being the fastest in the east coast.” As the fountain is turned to full power, tour guides also grumbled about the fountain wind protection being removed as a talking point as well. While the efforts of the protest seem to be noticed, it is unclear as of yet what will come of it.

1. Poop in the fountain hole
2. Use the fountain as a bidet
3. Stay in a tech suite one minute past the end time
4. Ask that cute boy out you have always been dreaming of
5. Get certified for the Washburn Labs
6. Subsequently fuck in the Washburn Labs
7. Get an STD in Washburn Labs (and leave it there?)
8. Join a club that peaks your interest
9. Cross a street using a crosswalk #CrossSafeWPI
10. Walk for Fitness
11. Drink in every lecture hall
12. Finally tell your roommates how you REALLY feel about them
13. Confess your love to that hunk of a professor (he’s a silver fox)
14. Confess your love to that spicy TA
15. Pull a senior prank
16. Do things on the seal
17. Seal a letter on the seal
18. Pretend you are a seal on the seal
19. Learn something new (HA!)
20. Take a class that is not in your major
21. Go skinny dipping in institute pond
22. Think about skinny dipping in the reflection pool but hold yourself back cause its a memorial
23. Get your buns out in the sun on the quad
24. Reconnect with your freshman year hookups
25. Tell them you’re pregnant
26. And it’s theirs
27. Finally do your inquiry seminar
28. Finally tell your mqp advisor the Truth…
29. Kiss gompei on the lips FINALLY
30. Send something NSFW to WPI Crushes
31. Cry about leaving
32. Realize that you’re not actually sad about leaving
33. Tell all your friends about the Institute
34. Reread all the old Institute articles
35. Donate to The Institute
36. Streak across the Quad
37. Flip off an administrator (the higher up the better)
38. Take Hudson’s mini Tesla
39. Go in the steam tunnels and set off all the alarms
40. Join a frat/srat
41. Haze your friends because you know you’ve always wanted to experience that a little bit
42. Somehow screencast on to the Foisie Innovation Studio Impact Project Experience Screen
43. Court a Worcester townie
44. Pee off the bridge
45. Throw up off the bridge
46. Poop off the bridge
47. Use the bridge as your bathroom for a day
48. Plant a bunch of seeds/ flowers on the quad and fuck up years of careful gardening
49. Go to a frat party, steal snacks, and go home
50. Sign up for an intramural and take it too seriously
51. Meal Prep?
52. Sneak into DAKA for old times sake
53. Beat Just Dance Kid at least once
54. Get a job at the Goats Head, or just a job
55. Blackout at the Goats Head
56. Steal the Goats Head Trophy
57. Break into Skull Tomb
58. Realize it’s just a big ball pit
59. Cut the line at Leit’s
60. Leave Leit’s because Loft is better
61. Use Shazam for musical bingo at the goat’s head
62. Enter the WPI Rubix Cube Competition
63. Actually go to the BSU Fashion Show (Saturday, March 23nd, 7pm-10pm)
64. Be a part of the BSU Fashion Show
65. Throw your underwear at Quinn XCII at Big Show
66. Walk up on that stage, and get that diploma!
67. Tickle Laurie’s hand as you get that diploma
68. OR Get drunk and miss graduation
69. Hug Fran, you’re going to miss her <3

“I don’t need a math major on staff to tell me the volume of these pretzels, it’s just ridiculous” says Joe Schmitz, the owner of the company.  “They’re taking up our entire headquarters; and to make matters worse, they were all jalapeño pretzels. Who even orders those to begin with? I have acid reflux, you think I’m going to be eating any of these?”

“We put everything we had into this studio,” said an unnamed WPI representative. “When the smoke cleared, all that was left was Auntie Anne’s, which meant with our initial source of funding gone we were forced to resort to…less traceable funds.”

“I did the math.  They actually shorted us by about .02 of a pretzel,” Joe pointed out while sifting through spreadsheet after spreadsheet.

“Well, the program we used for the payment unfortunately only supported integer division” the WPI representative proclaimed defensively, “but we’ve put in a complaint with the IT division and are expecting an update to be pushed hopefully in time for the class of 2029 to graduate.  In fact we initially wanted to pay them in Planet Smoothie but after hearing that Mr. Schmitz drug tests his employees, we realized it may lead to some…controversy.”

The representative finished by apologizing and promising the company a cup of sweet glaze dip as compensation, but refused to comment on how this would be beneficial to a jalapeño pretzel.

But up until recently, the statue had never received critical acclaim for its ingenious, “years-before its-time” mastery.

Though Turtleboy has had it’s fair share of critics, the sculpture gained international acclaim in 1969, after being declared the Eighth Wonder of the World–a work of comparable beauty, complexity and historical significance to Stonehenge or the Pyramid of Giza.

FUN FACT: Sculpted in 1912, the bronze statue was initially titled “Desperate Times,” by its sculptor.

Originally scheduled to replace Michelangelo’s statue of David in the Galleria dell’Accademia, Turtleboy is now on track for it’s move to the Louvre later this month, where it will be displayed alongside the Mona Lisa.

“Clearly this artist was brave enough to challenge the social constructs of the time, breaking down the deeply entrenched taboo of turtle-man relationships,” said turtle art historian, Gary Francis, licking his lips. “I mean love is love, I think that’s really the theme here.”

At 9:55 AM, the Honda Civic was again spotted in the empty drive through of the local Chick-fil-A, which opened only a few days before. The driver intermittently honked his horn, attempting to get the attention of the waitstaff, who were reportedly at home, enjoying their corporate-mandated “Day of The Lord.”

At 10:03 AM, one student exited the vehicle, and attempted to enter the restaurant through the locked front doors. Shortly after, the student spent several, confused minutes peering through the storefront windows, searching for some sign of life inside.

By 10:15 AM, all four gentlemen were seated on the curb in front of the building, openly weeping. One student, still in denial, began frantically asking Siri “why bad things happen to good people,” while the other three made a beeline for the nearest Popeye’s.

When asked about the incident, the student who was left behind whispered quietly, “All I wanted was some God d*mn nuggies.”

This tragedy strikes deep sorrow throughout the greater WPI community. The Institute hopes to raise awareness about the unfortunate hours of the new restaurant, in order to prevent further heartbreak.

The spirited demonstrators seek to bring attention to all manner of issues, from the perceived inequality between squirrels and chipmunks to the escalating food and housing crisis in trees across campus.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!?” shouted demonstration organizer Alvin Wellington, discreetly removing four acorns from his cheeks while speaking into a tiny megaphone.

“A RELIABLE SOURCE OF FOOD AND SHELTER FOR THE WINTER,” echoed the crowd.

Protests escalated as riot control stepped in, releasing Tic-Tac-sized canisters of tear gas to disperse the ankle-high crowds. Unconfirmed sources have also reported that officers are using frantic arm movements every couple of seconds to scare off the waves of fuzzy protesters.

“Those mother fluffing chipmunks over by the library are living in dog-damn opulence, and we’re over here scrounging for the last peanut in that bag of trail mix that some dude threw out last week,” said Mr. Furrytail, a long-time resident of the WPI Beech Tree.

The Council for Interspecies Cooperation denounced the demonstration, saying that progress would only come through peaceful negotiation over a bowl of sunflower seeds.

As of press time, WPI Administration has offered no statement about the day’s demonstrations, but a campus safety notification was issued, reminding students to be alert, watch where they step, and report any further squirrely activity.

“This is a testament to what WPI students are truly capable of,” Barbara told The Institute, wiping tears from her eyes. “I’m just so proud of what my little Jimmy is accomplishing in just a few short months at WPI,” said Baker of her son, a freshman biomedical engineering major who recently scraped by Calculus II.

“Ya know, I’ve been telling Jimmy for years that spinach is a superfood. This just goes to show you,” remarked Baker, sipping coffee out of her favorite Gompei mug.

When asked, Jimmy said he originally noticed the article when his mom tagged him in it, and swore he would “definitely give it a look” as soon as he finished the new season of Shameless.

At press time Jimmy’s dad was seen hunched over his laptop submitting Jimmy’s 2017 FAFSA, mumbling that “he better be making spaceships out of kale by next year.”

The film is a reboot of their earlier hit film, “Good Will Hunting,” the touching story of a misguided young MIT janitor who realizes his potential as a math prodigy with the help of his therapist (played by Robin Williams). Damon says inspiration for the remake stuck after reading about the WPI janitor.

“I mean our original MIT Will Hunting just spends all his time having emotional breakdowns and chasing after some girl. This WPI guy actually graduated and is looking for a job.” said Damon. “That’s way more financially responsible. I can’t believe we didn’t think of this before.”

Affleck describes the updated character as “like wicked freakin smaht” and “considerably less moody and confused” than the original Will Hunting, probably because of the project-based learning system.

Critics who have gotten their hands on the screenplay are calling the story “heartwarming” and “the success story of our generation.”

Damon and Affleck are reportedly considering using some artistic license to make the story a bit more thrilling, as well as to capture the quintessential Worcester vibe.

“Heart-pounding Kelley Square traffic, heroin deals in the back of an abandoned industrial building, you know, the usual,” remarked Affleck.

The movie is set to be released on Christmas Day 2016, just in time to sway early action applicants. MIT, which coincidentally just opened up a major-track program in janitorial engineering, declined to comment.

Worcester citizens are thrilled about the ranking.  “I’m so grateful to live in a city that is recognized for its kindness,” a kind old lady crossing Highland Street told The Institute.  “All I have to do is consistently buy heroin and I receive such preferential treatment.”

Others reached out to The Institute to talk about their own positive experiences, “Late at night if I am ever feeling lonely I’ll dress in dark clothes and walk down alleyways. I am totally comfortable talking with the dealers for hours and all they request in return is that I buy as much heroin off them as possible and tell my friends,” an exuberant young man exclaimed.

Many young people are even stepping forward to show their pride, “You just don’t see that kind of friendliness in other cities. People make a point to go out of their way to be friendly and give you heroin, it’s almost as if they know if you try it once you’ll be friends with them forever.”

“I couldn’t be prouder of this ranking,” declared the mayor in a ceremony this past Tuesday. “This is a great opportunity to bolster our local economy and get a whole flood of people rushing in to be a part of this Great City!”

Keep on the lookout for Worcester in the near future. With all the buzz around this ranking, Worcester is sure to step up and become what the kids of today are calling a “dope” city.