Last month, multiple patients tested positive for EEE in the state of Massachusetts. As a result, residents were advised to stay inside from dusk to dawn- the time where both the deadly mosquitoes and the homeless are most active. WPI students are among those advised to stay indoors, but most of them already were.
Shortly after the warnings were issued, a small group of students were enlisted by the CDC (Center for Disease Control) and the CDC (Career Development Center) to help eradicate the disease from mosquitoes across the state. Who better to develop a cure for a serious deadly illness than four college seniors? Their budget? $14.
Against all odds, the visionary biomedical engineering MQP team successfully rendered the EEE virus harmless in a small sample of 50 mosquitoes. However, the EEE free radioactive mosquitoes, now 6’2” from thorax to nose, broke loose from Goddard Labs at 2:47 AM on Monday. Authorities on campus say not to worry, as the BlueLight(TM) system was created with situations like these in mind. Residents are advised to keep calm and carry OFF.
Freshman Buzz Guzzman had this to say about the issue: “Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.” When asked if he was actually an escaped mosquito wearing a founder’s beanie, Buzz refused to comment and flew away.
Others are frustrated and concerned with the safety of their classmates. “One of the mosquitoes grabbed my flyswatter and started hitting ME.” said underclassman Boris Wingnut, “He kept asking me how it felt and calling me a bitch. It didn’t feel very good.”
In an interview with MSNBC, MQP team leader Gabbie Richardson commented, “At least the mosquitoes don’t have EEE anymore. What the fuck more do you want from us?” When asked about their team dynamic, Gabbie said, “Our fourth guy didn’t do shit, I ended his life on the peer evaluation form, and our Chem Eng guy spilled Dunkin in all the petri dishes.”
At press time, a WPI fraternity was seen grilling giant mosquito burgers on the quad. Eyewitnesses report that they had vegan options too.