Breaking: Freshman Arrives 45 Minutes Late to Lecture With Dunkin’ Cup


With the largest freshman class to date, WPI is ecstatic to welcome the class of 2023, and excited to watch from afar as a new generation of engiNerds change the world! WPI is also humbled to accept the new students’ generous mandatory housing and meal plan fees. 

Despite the good news, WPI isn’t without growing pains. As the student body grows larger every year, something else on campus grows too. Here’s some hints- it gets especially long in the mornings, has a slight bend, and you can usually find cream at the end. It can get especially sweaty in the summer, and gets shorter in the cold winter months. 

No, it isn’t administration’s profit boner, you sick fuck. Gross. 

It’s the Dunkin Donuts line.

With more and more students desperate for coffee after long nights of “studying”, regulars can expect the 30 minute wait to now be upwards of 3 hours. Leading experts theorize that the rise in campus population is directly proportional to this increase in wait time, and is also to blame for increasing lines at frat parties, clusterfuckish lecture halls, and the burrito bowl price hike of 2018. 

TA of HU 3304, Lisa Upton, was overheard saying, “This is terrible, I’m gonna have to make awkward small talk in line with that smelly kid from NSO. I literally can’t handle that without my double caramelmacchiatotripleshotgrande.” When asked to repeat her order, Mrs. Upton respectfully declined. 

Chad Johnson, D3 jug clubber, said: “Bro, with a line that long I might have to cop a girly fruity smoothie from Foise instead. At least I can sauce some mass gainer in those, I’m bulking this year.” When asked about his outdated views regarding gender identity and drink content, Mr. Johnson respectfully declined. 

Peter Launchester, frequent Dunkin customer and IMGD/RBE double major, had this to say- “I don’t think the line is that bad, actually. WPI kids are so impatient and afraid of change. Plus, maybe I’ll work up the courage to talk to that cute girl Lisa from NSO!” Damn. We hope that works out for you, Peter. 

The controversy surrounding #Linegate has forced WPI’s hand. As a reactionary measure, WPI is offering a new course: HU 3304: Making Your Dunkin Order Sound Like One Big Word. “Students from WPI come from all across the globe,” says Academic Administrator Richard Schwacker, “Dunkin ordering is a skill exclusive to the American Northeast and is a life skill that all students need, regardless of hometown or background.”  Schwacker was met with a standing ovation.

Thankfully, Lisa, Chad, and Peter got their Dunkin’ orders 55 minutes after their respective interviews, making them 45 minutes late to class. 

At press time, students were seen standing in line all the way out the service exit while administration accepts 4000 more freshmen, and I was seen picking up my Dunkin On The Go order.