Meanwhile at Woo State: University Becomes First to Offer Degree in Marrying Up


This is a part of an ongoing series by The Institute to expose students to what life is like outside the WPI bubble.

In the distance you can hear the murmur of a student in denial, “It’s a good school for my program,” he whines over the phone.

Each day, the campus reverberates with students attempting to reassure themselves that there is a glimpse of hope in their college decision. While most are struggling to come to the realization that they will amount to very little, other students, alternatively, are taking solace in the fact that their education is almost entirely meaningless.

This past Wednesday, a Junior English Major came forward to explain to The Institute that all of her classes are an “absolute joke.” “My Poetry 1 teacher gives you an A for just showing up,” she explained as she sent a selfie of herself with a Pumpkin Spice Latte captioned, “My diet starts tomorrow!”  

Another sophomore psychology student agreed, “I gave up on classes a semester ago, I want to find a rich husband. I put more energy into finding my future man than I do my classes and Worcester State has encouraged me to do this every step of the way.”

Worcester State males concur. “I’ve wanted to grow up and get a decent job my whole life, but after meeting some of the successful women the city has to offer, I’m starting to think it’d be better for society if I became a trophy husband,” reported a senior communication major.

“Our students should not be getting caught up in the tediousness of classes and learning when we are in a city full of great[er] colleges,” says Worcester State’s Dean of Academic Affairs. “These students should be looking elsewhere for ways to marry up. We’re proud to announce that we are now the first university to offer a NEASC accredited degree in Social Mobility through Marriage.”

Fortunately for the students, Worcester is home to one elite tech school that tops the charts in starting salary, providing ample opportunity for students to earn this newfound degree.

“I’m going to pursue this with everything I’ve got. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take!” the junior added as she finished her handle of fireball.

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