Students Sit in Gym For 12 Hours to Raise Money for CEO’s Mansion


The campus bustles as students, faculty, and staff prepare for another year of Relay for Life, taking place in the Recreation Center this upcoming Saturday.

With this year’s prehistoric theme, the event planners are asking for donors to help “smash the shit out of cancer like that meteor did to the dinosaurs.”

While the theme is light-hearted, the event is not. Students are required to stay in the gym continuously for 12 hours, checking their phones, doing Zumba, and watching comedians.

“It’s exhausting,”a junior reported after last year’s event. “One of my legs cramped up and I had to stretch it out.”

But the real core of the event is the money that is raised for the American Cancer Society, which, unlike smaller cancer foundations, goes beyond just supporting cancer patients and research.

“Back in 2009 our former CEO received $2,401,112 in salary and other kickbacks, making him the second highest paid executive of any charity!” said an American Cancer Society representative. “I’m hoping this is the year that we shatter that record.”

“When you support the ACS, not only do you support cancer research and treatment, but also extensive marketing events and the opulence of upper level management. You just don’t see that kind of split generosity when you donate directly to hospitals and treatment centers,” remarked one student organizer adamantly.

For many, the event is not only fun, but also a touching experience.

“This event really hits home for me,” said an emotional participant.“I have family members who are top-paid executives at different companies, so I can really relate to the cause.”

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  1. This is crazy well written and super poignant. All of you at The Institute are making this alumnus very proud!

    Edited because I suck at spelling