Administration Preps for Accepted Students, Orders Facilities to Neglect Places Tour Groups Won’t See


Spring is in the air. For WPI, this means two things: a slightly decreased sense of student misery and a vast increase in potential students touring the campus. In a record year, WPI is expecting more prospective students and their families to tour the moderately prestigious tech school than ever before.

“I’m really excited to see so many young engineers and innovators considering our school. I can confidently say we will be doing the bare minimum to make them believe our facilities are outstanding,” an administrator exclaimed this past week. “The best way that we can do this is by focusing all of our energy on the 5 or 6 spaces that most tour groups frequent, while completely neglecting the other 95% of the campus.”

Historically, a tour will run through the main facets of campus: the library, dining hall, a single dormitory room, the campus center, and a classroom or two.

“We need parents to think that their students will be living lavishly! No one would choose to live in the forced triples, so why would we show those off?” the residence hall’s director said.

“I don’t think I’ve even ventured to the lower floors of the library in almost 4 weeks,” a facilities member confirmed yesterday. “Last I heard, most of the knobs on the sinks had fallen off and the toilets are permanently running. I was even asked to just put full trash bags into the elevator and send them down to the lower levels.”

“No tour group is getting within a half mile radius of the Institute dorms. I heard the residents there have started using old tests for toilet paper,” a tour guide disclosed to The Institute.

“I definitely feel a little guilty,” a facilities manager admitted. “But orders are orders, and we don’t believe in cutting corners when it comes to doing the absolute minimum necessary to maintain our image.”

Students are also citing dramatic increases in the visual appeal of Chartwells food as tour group frequency increases. Interestingly, taste has remained stagnant at the level of mediocrity.

Needless to say, the tour group mirage will remain as strong as ever this year.

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