Administration Approves ‘Keystone Light XL’ Pipeline to Deliver Low Quality Beer to Fraternities


Under new administration, the Keystone XL pipeline has been seeking new ownership after deals with the US government fell through. Excitingly, this came with a significant price drop due to the unusually large nature of the pipe. While few in the oil industry saw a viable new use for the large throughput pipe, visionaries on The Tech’s board of directors saw a new use: rapid beer delivery. As it turns out, the unused pipe was found to deliver the unusually high volume necessary to quench the stress-induced thirst of engineers.

After striking a deal with the Coors Brewing Company, the pipeline was aptly dubbed the ‘Keystone Light XL’ Pipeline, which will happily provide Keystone Light to mask the metallic taste of the pipe with a flavor that already seems to taste skunked from the factory. While not confirmed, rumors began to swirl early Monday about also plumbing the school steam system boiler with the same supply, due to Keystone Light actually being worth less than water.

It wasn’t all sunshine and roses though, as interviews with fraternity brothers unveiled. When approached for an interview, ΠEE brother Kyle Edgye explained there was “Literally no way for the boys to shotgun the pipeline.” A tragic loss indeed. A local liquor store owner who wished to remain anonymous stated that he was scared about the loss of sales. “It’s an impossible battle. The pipeline is even better at ignoring fakes than we are.”, explained the owner. When this complication and others like it are resolved, we are eager to see the impact the pipeline will have on the local frat scene.