Card-Spinning CC Cashier Draws Thousands, Increases WPI Revenue 300%

Giant student ID is spun in a sign-twirling fashion outside the CC

Picture this. You’re about to purchase a burrito bowl from WPI’s world-class campus center cafe. As you’re drenching your meal in Siracha you look up, and see it. The massive crowd around the left-middle register. Is something wrong? Is it broken? You walk up with your meal slowly, and the crowd parts to let you through. Through the masses you see him. It’s Nikola.

For decades now the WPI Campus center cafe has been in financial freefall. No matter what substance they cover their pretzels in, nor what types of holiday snacks they have- it’s not enough to save the business. “I figured overpriced food and last year’s alt-pop music is what the college kids like,” says Chartwells Executive Thomas Saabston, “but what they actually want is a SHOW.”

Now, thousands flock to the campus center food court to see Nikola, professional card spinner and trickster. Even those from Woo State and Holy Cross venture to WPI, this time not for the frat parties, but to whisper “Goatbucks” and drop a smooch onto The Spinster’s stubble-covered head.

It goes down like this: you get your food, and bring it to the register. You swoon as he says, “Hey, how are ya.” It’s said as a statement, and you struggle to stammer out a response.  “Go-good, can I pay in Goatbucks?” He takes your card. Through his fingers the plastic rectangle engages in aerial acrobatics. He tells a story through the movement of his hand and arm. At this point the card is just a blur, a concept that transcends time and space. He says, “You’re all set, have a good one.” You pick your jaw off the floor, throw your food out, and try to process what you’ve seen.

Analysts report that WPI’s 3rd Quarter revenue stream has seen a 300% boost from this performer. The sources also propose that the bookstore’s new Nikola-themed merch line has also contributed to this monetary boon. At this rate, Foise Innovation Studio will be paid off in full by 2048.