After reports surfaced over the weekend of a single Natural Light beer being poured into a solo cup somewhere on campus, the administration’s top detectives have traced the issue back to the root cause. They aim to tackle the issue proactively by buying up all the solo cups in the Worcester County and destroying them in a roaring bonfire.
“Recently we’ve banned solo cups, especially red ones, from all fraternities,” a Greek Life Advisor explained earlier this week. “Solo cups lead to more solo cups which could lead to a non-competitive game, which could lead to a game where people want to win, which leads to a competitive game, which leads to there being a winner, which leads to there being a loser, which leads to binge drinking, which leads to death.”
The claim appears to be consistent with external studies as well. The Center for Disease Control released a statement recently, “solo cups = death,” which backs up the administration’s claim.
Surprisingly, despite the effort to protect students’ health, fraternity brothers are raising many intellectual questions about the effects of the policy.
“I feel like banning solo cups isn’t really addressing the issue at hand,” a senior fraternity brother told The Institute. “It just makes it so much more inconvenient to get absolutely fuckin’ sloshed,” he continued as he walked out of The Wedge carrying a stack of DAKA cups.
Another fraternity brother echoed the sentiment. “Completely fuckin’ unwarranted” he agreed as he put the finishing touches on his 8-foot tall phallically shaped statue constructed entirely from the remaining solo cups. “Reagan never would have let this happen.”