Roid Rage At Planet Smoothie Sparks Uproar

Athletes holding delicious smoothies

An inside source has informed The Institute that due to ‘banned substances’, some of the smoothies at Planet Smoothie will cause student-athletes to fail NCAA drug tests. You heard us right, one ‘energy’ smoothie + one cup of pee = no more sports for D3.

Marty McCormick, WPI’s NCAA bowling coach, was kind enough to sit down with us for an interview this week. McCormick first noticed something was off when one of his athletes showed up drinking a smoothie and soon after experienced a fit of roid rage ending with four broken bones, one aggravated stepmom Tracy, and a bowling ball through the window.

While many like McCormick are wary of the smoothies, some are embracing the chance to ‘get big’ while drinking a delicious (though wildly expensive) beverage. One such student Chad Johnson was seen at the Foisie Innovation Studio double fisting a ‘Matcha Libra’ and ‘Java The Nut’. Chad insists, “This year is going to be my biggest yet. I grab an energy smoothie, add 5 cups of protein powder, and I haven’t wanted to skip leg day once this year”.

At press time a line of students was seen waiting for smoothies and punching through walls while student-athletes looked on longingly.

Tune in next week as we investigate the Auntie Anne’s cinnamon sugar pretzel cocaine scandal.

TI seal