Each year hundreds of articles are released ranking cities across America in a plethora of categories. Recently, our great city of Worcester finally made the rankings as the “Friendliest City in America if Trying to Buy Heroin” as assessed by The Huffington Post. The article says the cause of The City’s warm, welcoming atmosphere is Worcester’s projected heroin usage, which recently jumped to over twice the national average. The coveted ranking is clearly well deserved, as the article goes on to cite the vast number of friendly neighborhood drug dealers committed to serving their community.
Worcester citizens are thrilled about the ranking. “I’m so grateful to live in a city that is recognized for its kindness,” a kind old lady crossing Highland Street told The Institute. “All I have to do is consistently buy heroin and I receive such preferential treatment.”
Others reached out to The Institute to talk about their own positive experiences, “Late at night if I am ever feeling lonely I’ll dress in dark clothes and walk down alleyways. I am totally comfortable talking with the dealers for hours and all they request in return is that I buy as much heroin off them as possible and tell my friends,” an exuberant young man exclaimed.
Many young people are even stepping forward to show their pride, “You just don’t see that kind of friendliness in other cities. People make a point to go out of their way to be friendly and give you heroin, it’s almost as if they know if you try it once you’ll be friends with them forever.”
“I couldn’t be prouder of this ranking,” declared the mayor in a ceremony this past Tuesday. “This is a great opportunity to bolster our local economy and get a whole flood of people rushing in to be a part of this Great City!”
Keep on the lookout for Worcester in the near future. With all the buzz around this ranking, Worcester is sure to step up and become what the kids of today are calling a “dope” city.