As part of an exciting new initiative to suck less during the 2017-2018 academic year, WPI’s SNAP transportation service has unveiled its new premium SNAP X service, for those times when an original SNAP van just won’t cut it.
The lavish new service features 2017 Cadillac Escalades with all-leather interiors and Chartwells provided hors d’oeuvres.
“Whether you’re looking for a ride home from a sorority formal, or heading to a classy night out at an upscale – NON-COMMERCIAL LOCATION WITHIN A ONE MILE RADIUS OF CAMPUS BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 4PM AND 4AM – SNAP X has got you covered,” said SNAP representative Ned Wheeler at the unveiling event last Friday. “It’ll be here any minute now,” he assured the audience, as he attempted to demonstrate calling a SNAP X.
“I LOVE SNAP!” said one enthusiastic and totally real student in attendance. “Waiting 55 minutes to get a ride is totally convenient and making a homeless friend or two while I wait is always a blast!”
“If SNAP X is out of your price range, you can always stick with our original free SNAP service,” noted Wheeler. “One of my favorite features is how you never know how many people have vomited in the seat you’re sitting in.”
“With SNAP X, we’re leveraging the same cutting edge technology and commitment to excellence that has propelled us to top shuttle service at WPI, 10 years running,” explained Wheeler, smiling widely. “We pay some kid to sit in the office with a clipboard and take phone calls. Then they call the SNAP drivers who go pick up the students immediately–as soon as they’re done making a run for a Wendy’s 4for4.”
Wheeler also noted that the service would be rolling out just in time for fraternity rush, where the vans would be available required for fraternities to rent at an affordable rate of $5 per van per meter travelled.
At press time, Wheeler was seen pacing around muttering, “Fuck it”, as he pulled out his phone and ordered an Uber.
