WORCESTER, MA – Rising tension in the campus squirrel communities finally reached a breaking point this afternoon as protests erupted across West Street. “Occupy West Street!” cried the masses of rodents as they scampered across the asphalt carrying signs and chittering at onlookers.
The spirited demonstrators seek to bring attention to all manner of issues, from the perceived inequality between squirrels and chipmunks to the escalating food and housing crisis in trees across campus.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!?” shouted demonstration organizer Alvin Wellington, discreetly removing four acorns from his cheeks while speaking into a tiny megaphone.
“A RELIABLE SOURCE OF FOOD AND SHELTER FOR THE WINTER,” echoed the crowd.
Protests escalated as riot control stepped in, releasing Tic-Tac-sized canisters of tear gas to disperse the ankle-high crowds. Unconfirmed sources have also reported that officers are using frantic arm movements every couple of seconds to scare off the waves of fuzzy protesters.
“Those mother fluffing chipmunks over by the library are living in dog-damn opulence, and we’re over here scrounging for the last peanut in that bag of trail mix that some dude threw out last week,” said Mr. Furrytail, a long-time resident of the WPI Beech Tree.
The Council for Interspecies Cooperation denounced the demonstration, saying that progress would only come through peaceful negotiation over a bowl of sunflower seeds.
As of press time, WPI Administration has offered no statement about the day’s demonstrations, but a campus safety notification was issued, reminding students to be alert, watch where they step, and report any further squirrely activity.